The Real World ... Blogger Style: 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

Amy what you wanna do?

A song for Amy.

this is an audio post - click to play

Pimp Juice

My PIMP NAME is Bizzle Da' Nizzle, what's yours?

Get a PIMP NAME

Exposure

If we want to get more exposure for RW..BS, I suggest we consider advertising here.

I think we have a love connection

I found this on rosa's tagboard over at Whoa That Was So Deep.

William: iam elven in australia wonderne if youll go ote with me

Ok, is he eleven and a crappy speller, or is he a hobbit ... and a crappy speller?
Either way he meets rosa's criteria.

The Sheen - Laborteaux Connection

It is all starting to make sense.
Belle, Nancy, Cori are you paying attention?
Shattered Spirits (1986) (Made for TV)
The cast
Martin Sheen .... Lyle Mollencamp
Melinda Dillon .... Joyce Mollencamp
Matthew Laborteaux .... Ken Mollencamp
Lukas Haas .... Brian Mollencamp
Roxana Zal .... Lesley Mollencamp
John Cougar Mellencamp .... John Cougar Mollencamp
Plot summary
A dedicated middle-class family man (Martin Sheen) has his life shattered by his uncontrolled drinking. First, he loses his job. Then, after a violent outburst at home, his wife (Melinda Dillon) files a court order to keep him away from her and their three children. To regain his family he joins Alcoholics Anonymous and his family decides to for counseling sessions. There they learn how much his drinking has controlled their lives.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Wobbleboard Classics Volume #1

Posted by: boz48730
Wobbleboard Classics Volume #1



Aww, isn't rosa sweet. She burnt this CD for me of Aussie hits back in 2003. Of course I had to burn her TWO Beachboy CDs in exchange, and did I tell you she cut off one of the songs before it finished but she couldn't be arsed* to redo it.
*Aussie for couldn't be bothered.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Exclusive to the RW ... BS

Almost live, from the zonkboard.
Sanrda, how is your ass?
this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, January 28, 2005

Back to school post 1

aaaaaaaagh! so tired.. already and its only after day 1!
Full details of what happened are posted on Whoa
But let me tell you.. Boz (yes our very own little bozarama) is all around my school. It started at around midday when the IT guy set me up with a username and password for the schools (eeeeeeeeeeeeextensive) computer net work (apparently the largest in a state school in the country )When he was done, he looked at me and smiled and said "now you can log on and read Boz whenever and wherever you like!" Instantly i thought that my internet (superstar) fame had preceeded me and that my famous friends(you) and i were the talk of the school!(It could happen!) But no... he was referring to the schools intranet! The in-school mail service is called Bozmail (Boz being an abreviation of the schools name) I just sat there glassy eyed trying not to crack up! All the online features had something to do with Boz. The daily notices are called The Boz bits ( And which laydee hasnt wanted to get her hands on those!) and the parent newsletter the Boz biz. Ahhh it had me giggling all day long. But then again.. i am an idiot.

AJI, part 2


AmyJong-Il, eternal bosom of hot love.

I feel like joining the Axis of Evil now.

AmyJong-Il

I have a sick identification with North Korean dictator and narcissist Kim Jong Il, thanks to seeing Trey Parker and Matt Stone's brilliant interpretation of him in puppet form in their movie "Team America--World Police". I was deeply moved by the movie because, unwittingly, I think, it captured (while ridiculing) the nasty inner puppet that holds my psyche in thrall, the little demon-with-strings who tyrannizes my life--the demon soul, the sicko lost in a hall of mirrors, the ego who can only see its own image multiplied everywhere, sickeningly lonely and violent and proud and completely demented. I was humbled by a puppet. I don't think I can watch that movie again, the revelation was so horrifying. Somehow Kim Jong Il (as interpreted in marionnette form) revealed my own inner dictator to me. Since then I often meditate on the image of the fat-faced puppet singing "so ronery" in a vast red room, surrounded by images of himself that are dozens of feet high.

Oh, did I mention I was stoned when I saw it?
But still.
So anyway, today I read in Harper's a list of honorifics Kim Jong Il has bestowed upon himself. Feel free to apply any and all of them to me:

World's Greatest Writer
Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity
Perfect Picture of Wisdom and Boldness
Lodestar of the 21st century
Present-Day God
Guardian Deity of the Planet
Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States
Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity
Leader with Extraordinary Personality
Eternal Bosom of Hot Love

Thursday, January 27, 2005

When did I become so pathetic?

And Seymour An Introduction.

this is an audio post - click to play

Ode to AmyJo...

she was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens
'til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes
what was she to do? where was she to go? she was out on her Fanny...


(doesn't "fanny" in Australia actually mean 'vagina'?? rosa? anyone?)

*ahem*

it's time to put the Nanny to bed, but before we do, go take


(log in and play as a guest if you don't want to register)

More tongue, please

You're not a man till you've had sheep tongue.



I was going to say that Cori has opened a can of worms ... but ahhh
I haven't looked at page two yet.

Potted meat Product Pot-Luck?

What I do while zonking

Jack Daniels, Terrance Trent D'arby, and the Wizard of Id

what do these things have in common?

other than the letter A, NOTHING.

which is what i've been doing around here lately.

here being the rwbs abode. this is an abode, right?

boz, i never ever thought i would read the words "i wish mad was here" by your hand. i cried.

my desperate attempts at world animation and reuniting Wham have failed miserably. George Michael still looks sexy with stubble though. meow.

so, here i am, back in the saddle again. wearing nothing but chaps of course.

sorry i have to miss out on the whatever that was i read gift exchange, but my belated ass is there in spirit. or ethanol. whatever.

everyone knows billy idol has a new album coming out right?

RW... BS Tron movie

While the movie hasn't been shot yet, the promotional poster is ready.


Jon

Driver, move that bus!

We didn't have bus drivers like this when I was in school!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A Candle in the Wind

I present for you Amyjo's artistic rendering, sketched on the back of a Del Monte's Sweet Peas can label, of the events leading up to, and the subsequent dedication and singing of A Candle in the Wind to me, Boz.

1. A picto-graphic timeline.
2. A tasteful, yet revealing close-up.

The Boz Mail Project


A vid cap from a video I made called the Boz Mail Project.
With an aging special effect. The video was aged, not me.

Santa Baby

Here are some things I like:
flavored lip gloss (bubblegum watermelon or mint--but I don't think they make mint anymore)
fake eyelashes
bath stuff
pirate romance novels or native american romance novels
lynda barry comics
any and all stationery except notebooks with plastic covers and ballpoint pens
miniature or travel size anything
anchovies


What do you think would be a crappy XIJIF present?

I would put candles at the top of my Crappy Gift List, along with tins of potted meat, cheese, a toilet seat cover, a Nanny: the first 3 seasons DVD, a biography of Gummo Marx or his brother Karl, or a puppy dog paint by numbers set.

What about you?

If guilt doesn't work, bribery will

Here are the stickers I had to promise to send Isabella to get her to send me her mailing address.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

All I got for Xmas in June last year.

Just to show you how much fun XIJIF can be, my haul for XIJ last year.

Belle was my secret santa and here are two pics of what I got.
The toys.
The candy.

And here is an audiopost describing what I got.
this is an audio post - click to play

Guidelines for XIJIF gift exchange

Ok, I'm half asleep so bare with me here.

I have drawn the names for everyone and will be sending emails out tonight informing you of who you will be secret santa for, and I will also be requesting your mailing address, which could be your home address, your work address, or a post office box, anything so we can make sure your gift is delivered.

The names will remain secret, which means that you will not know who drew your name until you receive your package.

XIJIF will be celebrated on February 25, 2005, so make sure you allow enough cushion for the package to arrive on time.

The price limit on your present should be ten american dollars give or take a few. I'm not sure what that is in Aussie dollars, or Euros. Rosa and Sandra can figure that out for themselves.

It would be nice if when you open your package on Xmas day if you made an audio, or video post of it, or at least take some pics of what you received.

Some suggestions on gift buying.
You could buy one gift for ten dollars.
Or a couple of gifts for five a piece.
Or you could do what a few of did last year for Xmas in June, you could go crazy at the dollar store. Of course, I don't think dvl has ever been within 500 feet of a Dollar Store, but that is neither here nor there, it's just a dig.

The main purpose is to have fun, and not sweat the small stuff.

It is also acceptable to leave hints for what you would like, as Nancy and Marci have already done, but wanting it and wishing for it doesn't make it so.

One last thing, the only person who will be getting your mailing address besides me is your secret santa, and I will not be sending out the mailing addresses until I have received all ten of your mailing addresses, this is to discourage slackers. ::cough cough belle cough cough::
I already have dvl's, Jonnies, Sandra's and Rosa's mailing addresses, so they do not have to include them when they respond to my original email.

Blah, blah, blah.

I guess that is it. If I have left anything out, or you have further questions, you can leave a comment or drop me an email, or mention it on the zonk.

Tada!!!

Writing Cover Letters is Hard

Any suggestions?

"Dear Sirs:

Please accept this letter and the following resume as my application for the position of Part Time Legal Assistant you posted on CraigsList.

For the past several years, I have worked as the Administrative Secretary to the Director of Patient Care Services at Gateways Hospital, a position that was non-existent until I took it. Originally, the Director brought me on to assist with revisions on the hospital’s policies and procedures. As I proved myself by tackling that project, the Director increased my responsibilities to include payroll, scheduling, hiring, communicating with vendors and registry, collecting and analyzing data for quarterly reports, and many more administrative duties. With each new responsibility, I adapted to incorporate the task into work routine.

Now as I come to a point where I might move up in position, I realize that I do not want to make my career in heath care, and instead I am searching for a position in the field of law, specifically criminal law.

I believe that my strong office/administration skills along with my desire to learn and grow in the field of criminal law would make me an excellent Part Time Legal Assistant. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and setting up a meeting with you at a mutually convenient time to further discuss my qualifications.

Sincerely,


Andrew H-----"

As suggested by AmyJo

Yeah, I guess so.

Deck the Halls
You are 'Deck the Halls'! Let's be honest, it
isn't Christmas you are celebrating, is it? In
fact, you know full well that there were no
shepherds in the fields in December, and that
the date of Christmas was put at midwinter
specifically to coincide with the older
celebrations of Yule and the birth of Mithras.
An unashamed Pagan, you take great glee in the
number of carols referring to holly, evergreens
and Winter's end, and will sing them with
gusto. You know where they really came from.
And you do enjoy the seasonal celebrations,
regardless of their name... A merry Yule to
you!


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hulk By Night

The Incredible Hulk nightlight, evening action -


I'll never sleep again.

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Monday, January 24, 2005

DECENT!!!

In addition to bootleg Sharpies, Boz's giftpack included a Hulk nightlight which is perfect for my bathroom -


Also, there is a great rollerblade kit, discussed in more detail over at Nacho Steppinstone -

The skates fit onto a person's fingers perfectly, making an extremely lifelike rollerblading experience -


I call this trick, "Hulk Bukkake" -

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The Loot

It seems like XIJIF already, especially since I bought "Holiday Spice Pepsi" at the 99cent store today.

Boz certainly knows how to put together a gift package, here's the evidence -


There is too much here for one post, so I will feature a different item in various posts both here & on the Nacho blog. Until I've covered everything.

First off, there was an open package of counterfit Sharpies -

They're extremely lifelike & I think it would be difficult to prove they aren't the real McCoy. 4 colors, one for each mood.

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Kicking Off the XIJIF Season

Live audio footage of Jonnie opening a gift package from Boz, just moments after it arrived in the mailbox.

this is an audio post - click to play

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Stay away from the brown acid.

Posted by: boz48730
I love hospital no skid, mini socks, he says
sarcastically.

But I was so wiped out today I didn't even bother taking them off.
I sleep now, and dream the dreams of the medicated.

Gonna Wash that Man

Right outta my hair and send him on his way.

So the hotsprings: it was like a miracle at Lourdes.

The divine confluence of menses and the healing waters of Calistoga wrought a change in me:
I am no longer in love with Boz.

Ring out the bells! Wring out the towels!

I looked at the picture of his knee and felt...nothing.

I have been healed.


In case anyone needs to know (hint)

I collect paperweights. And birdhouses.

See, I'm making this easy.

You are welcome.

Oh My God, they've killed Kenny

Posted by: boz48730
Oh My God, they've killed Kenny
You bastards!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I Can't Believe I Gave My Panties To A Geek

Who is Duckie??

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Man, I so wanted to be Bender.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

XIJIF ... The Names Have Been Drawn

Since I am house bound by the blizzard I went ahead and drew the names for the gift exchange. There are eleven of us taking part. I wish Mad was around, cause I'd like him to be involved to, but I guess it isn't to be.

Anyway, do you think we should make who got who public, or should we keep it a surprise like last time? I think either way would be cool, so I'll leave it up to you.

I'll work on the guidelines and try to post them tomorrow night, or monday, but probably not monday because I go to the hospital for my last shot on monday, and last time I was pretty loopy for the rest of the day, so it could be monday, but probably not, or tuesday, yeah, tuesday by the latest.

The Official List

What Age Do You Act?

Quiz courtesy of Paul over at Noxturne -


You Are 23 Years Old

23

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

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high maintainance

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FREEDOM!!!

If you squint just right you can see the word FREEDOM in the stigmata belle visited upon my knee.



Update:
Computer Enhancement of the "FREEDOM" stigmata visited upon my knee by belle.

Friday, January 21, 2005

XIJIF Weekend Update

We got a go from Drew, so it all comes down to belle.
Let me tell you a little bit about belle.
She is hesitant to participate in XIJIF because she knows thinks everybody hates her.
Well, yeah, that might be true, but I bet you didn't know that belle has some incurable disease, that changes every time I chat with her, and she is not likely to make it through till spring.
So come on everybody, pretend that you really do like belle, let's make XIJIF belle's personal Candle In The Wind dedication.
Belle???
Belle???
This is for you ...

Goodbye ummm, belle
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that errr, belle was found in the nude

Goodbye ummm, belle
From the young man in the 22nd row
Who sees you as something as more than sexual
More than just our errr, belle.

Belle, you must take part in XIJIF because it may be the last thing you will ever do without tubes running out of all parts of your body.

Rocks, Paper, Scissors anyone?

Genuine Smile Test

Once again Sandralein and I got exactly the same score on a test.
This one comes from The Glob & Wail and it tests how well you can judge a real smile VS a fake smile, judged from actual video clips of people smiling.

The test is located at http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/index.shtml

Sandra and I both got 15 out of 20 correct.
Warning: contains some pretty ugly British people.

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How cold is it???

It's so cold that ...

The Diet

Last night I had another conversation with DVL and Mannaz on why I no longer drink soda. I said that I quit to help lose weight, though it has done little to change my girth. I told them that I have been drinking a lot of ice tea instead, specifically Snapple.

"Diet Snapple?" Mannaz asked.

"No," I answered.

"How many calories are in that?" DVL replied.

So today when I stopped into the 7-11 to get my morning Snapple I checked.

Snapple has 100 calories per serving, and there are 4 servings in the 32 oz bottle I buy.
Coke has 100 calories per serving, and there are 2.5 servings in the 20 oz bottle.

I had just woken up, so I couldn't do the math in my head, but when I got to work, I loaded up my calculator and checked it out.

Snapple: 100 calories x 4 servings = 400 calories / 32 oz = 12.5 calories per oz.
Coke: 100 calories x 2.5 servings = 250 calories / 20 oz = 12.5 calories per oz.

So as I start my new diet Monday, I can take the option of bringing soda back into my consumption or removing both. I think I'm going to do a combo. Snapple will be replaced by Coke (or C2 depending if I take to the taste), but I'll be drinking a lot less of it.

Drinking with the Fishes

I know my posts would go over a lot better with visual aids, but sorry, use your imaginations.

So every 3rd Thursday the Academy of Science hosts a happy hour in the musuem. It is really fun, because you can wander around with a glass of booze staring into the trippy exhibits, like the metal casts of ants nests--which look like M.C. Escher pathways descending in spirals, stopping at platforms and running down deep into the ground, or you can press your nose against the glass and watch the giant alligator gar swim in its terrible slow sad circles.

Someone with a grim sense of humor designed the fish tanks in a style I can only describe as "industrial chic"--that is, instead of giving the fishies naturalistic environments--you know, plants, sand, little caves, etc, they gave them urban hidey holes, I guess to mimic the encroaching human shit on their habitats.

You have not lived until you have seen a giant moray eel poking out of a pvc pipe. It was sad and disturbing and since eels look like giant turds anyway, a little gross. They had all these giant primeval fishes--fishes the color of dust, fishes that are so ancient and alien it makes your skin creep--partly because they are so other, and partly because they are penned up in all that glass instead of cruising the Amazon and eating pygmies, or something.

So all these drunk yuppies San Franciscans were peering groggily at the fish, and rattling the ice in their drinks, and my companion found it all rather too much, so we wound up by the kiddie pool on some plastic naptime mats, but nothing interesting happened. I watched a pop-eyed goldfish eat its own poo while my companion talked about the evil republican regime.

Two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, how right you were, Mr. Floyd, how right you were.

XIJIF Update

Sandra and Jonnie after much cyber sexing deliberation have decided to take part in XIJIF. That leaves only Belle and Drew who have yet to commit, or is it committ?
Hahaha, Belle and Drew and the Morning Crew, 99.8 FM, weekdays 7-10 AM, and don't forget Getting Really Stupid People to Do Really Stupid Things For a Chance to Win Really Stupid Prizes Fridays on ... Belle and Drew and the Morning Crew.

Ok, I left out Mad, maybe we could pitch in and buy a wreath or something.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Xmas in June in February Update

So far Amyjo, Cori, Dvl, Marci, Nancy, Rosa and Boz have signed up for XIJIF.
You've got till the end of the month to sign on, give or take a day or two.
We need a few more. Don't make me beg, because my "On Your Knees" t-shirt is in the dirty clothes.

im still alive

Have been absent.. busy prepping for the holy day, prepping for work next week and the shit just hit the fan (please read my blog)

But christmas sounds fun.

R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r

r-r-r-r-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-i-p-p-p-p-p-p
I always keep my word, mostly.
Caution: Man Boobs, may not be safe for work.

Today's discussion

Perhaps it is just me, but it seems to me that we spend entirely too much money on this coronation inauguration stuff. Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

Excuse me, but...

I bared my soul (and my body!) on that audio post.
The least you people could do is comment.

Or are you averting your eyes from the horrible trainwreck of my humiliation?

Sheesh. Even Jonnie's weird boring graph thingy got comments.
I feel so neglected.

In other news, the gallery is planning a huge gala show with our big celebrity painter: Clicky click http://www.leroyneiman.com/about.ihtml?about=photos2
http://www.leroyneiman.com/about.ihtml?about=photos4

He is the creator of the famous clicky click http://www.toonopedia.com/femlins.htm,
a cross between a girl and a gremlin.

They might make us wear bunny costumes with little bow ties.
I can't wait.

Did AmyJo mention she was going to be late for work?

The things I do to appease my minions.

this is an audio post - click to play

AmyJo's Zonkboard Humiliation

What will a person do to become old school?
It appears that AmyJo will do just about anything!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

It's Important

We Need Your Help.


Workin' fer tha May-yan!

It's Official!

Happy One Year Anniversay To The Real World ... Blogger Style.

Jonnie's mystery gift

What can it be ???

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Xmas in June in February (((BUMP))) and update



February is such a god awful sucking month how about if we liven it up a bit by having Xmas in June in February?
Let me know if you are interested.
Full house participation would be nice but not necessary.

For the newbies who don't know any better, Xmas in June in February is an actual holiday where the members of the house actually for real draw names and exchange gifts with other house members. The spending limit is $10.00, give or take a buck or two and Xmas would be on February 25th, give or take a day or two.

Again for the newbies, perhaps some of the old timers can relate their fond memories from last years Xmas in June.

Oh man, I am getting excited already.

AmyJo's diet revolution

In my neverending quest to come up with get-rich-qwik (tm) schemes, I have decided to cash in on the diet craze. Here are some of my ideas that should make Atkins followers look like bloated, irrepressible gluttons.

1) The Poor Woodcutter's Diet and exercise plan

Saw wood in the black forest for 12 hours a day. Big trees=more resistance
Little trees=more reps
Have more children than you can afford to feed.
Give all your food to them.
Eat boiled sawdust mixed with meal in lieu of bread, etc.
Marry a terrible shrew after your first wife dies who insists on turning the children out in the forest to die.
Give them your last piece of bread.
By NO MEANS should you FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF BREADCRUMBS into the forest.

2) The Mr. Woodhouse Diet (for Jane Austen fans)
Popular variant: The Oliver Twist Diet

Eat gruel and only gruel. Freak out if anyone suggests you try a piece of cake, or if anyone offers you MORE. Let the splendors of the English language feed you.

3) The dying bohemian diet
Live in an unheated attic.
Fall madly in love with a poet/seamstress/musician/philosopher who torments you.
Drink as much alcohol as you can hold, but forget to eat.
Get TB. Remember, coughing is great for the abs!

4) The Gross Little Kid's All-Protein diet
Three words to live by:
Boogers and paste.



How about having Xmas in June in February???



February is such a god awful sucking month how about if we liven it up a bit by having Xmas in June in February?
Let me know if you are interested.
Full house participation would be nice but not necessary.

No, boz...

"Is that the outfit you wear when you tell fortunes?", boz asked me when he saw this picture on my blog.

So, NO boz, THIS is what I look like when I tell fortunes:


My sordid past comes back to haunt me

Belle, while searching for geriatric porn, found this pic of me from a few years back.



Oh the shame.

Monday, January 17, 2005

in the newd!!!

confession: if doing housework in the buff was something to be worshiped, i would be your queen.

you may now return to your previously scheduled programming already in progress

Bored Boz

Poor, poor, pitiful me.

Welfare Cheese Cafe

Pine Bark

35 saltine crackers
1 cup butter
1 cup packed light brown sugar
5 (4-ounce) milk chocolate bars, broken into pieces or a cup or so
of semi-sweet chocolate chips


Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Line a 15 by 10 by 1-inch jelly roll pan with tin foil. Lightly spray foil with a non-stick cooking spray.

Place saltine crackers, salty side up, in prepared pan. In a saucepan, boil butter and sugar for 2 to 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Pour mixture over crackers and bake for 4 to 6 minutes. Remove from oven, top with candy bars or chocolate chips, and spread evenly as chocolate begins to melt. Allow to cool completely. Cut and eat.

I love Kyna

I'm so groggy and hungry this morning. Got to work late. But the social worker who has an office down the hall just stuck her head in my door and asked if I wanted some bacon chedder potato wedges from Jack in the Box. My hero.

Hearts and Asses

So I got a letter from my Little Sister Shellyjo, who is caretaking a lodge deep in the mountains of New Mexico, where she mentioned that the elk have heart-shaped patches of light colored fur around their asses. A novel thought struck me: many asses in the animal kingdom, including human, are heart-shaped.

Could it be that the Valentine Heart is actually a symbolic PAIR O' BUTTOCKS?

Think about it. The human heart is shaped like a lump of pig iron. It looks nothing like the lacey hearts that people hand out, doodle, or eat candy from. The ass, however, bears a distinct resemblance--in form and color.

The Valentine heart: ass incognito.

Chew on that next time you eat chocolate candy out of a heart-shaped box.

Huh!

Touchgraph's "Google Browser" is interesting, if a little confusing at first. Enter a URL & it displays a graphic rendering of website "relatedness" (i.e. "people who read this site tend to read that site...people who link to this site tend to link to that site").



You can even double click a node to add all of their links to the graph, making things even more confusing than they were initially.
Check it out Here.

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

Skype anyone?

Is anyone familiar with Skype, and is it any good?
Comments.
Bueller?
Bueller?
Anyone?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The girl in the photo.

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The girl in the above photo is me, however i've never seen this girl before in my life. Dont get me wrong, its not like i've never seen a pic of myself before.. this is not like that time you recorded yourself talking and then was embarrassed at the results.. this picture looks nothing like me. My family agrees. How could this happen? Did some random girl (who MAYBE looks a teensy bit like me) steal the photo and superimpose herself in? Is my digicam broken? Is it just the angle?

I dont know, but i cant stop staring at this photo marvelling at this beautiful creature.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Boz's secret life part 160

Boz has often asked me about costume tips and i have ALWAYS told him that he can never go wrong with silver satin.. c'mon it just screams class when combined with those guns.

I am mildly aroused.

and i am so tempted to subscribe to the email updates.

I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille

The tongue twistedness of RW ... BS.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A simple song

About the first man in rosa's life.

Que?

Animals which have upstaged the acting in a motion picture or drama.



5. The Dog in cheaper by the Dozen

4. Garfield (even though he was animated)

3. Skippy the bush kangaroo (it wasnt hard to upstage some of that acting)

2. Does Gollum count?

And the number one animal performance in a motion picture or Drama is.....

The ginger cat belonging to Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's

That cat was in almost every shot and upstaged every performance - hilarious!

Welp thats me done, as usual always tackling the controversial topics.

Saddest Words of tongue or pen FINIS

#12
Boz. Sweet and fleeting.
Method of proposal:
Please refer to the audio post.

So you see, the marriage question thrills through every nerve, rolls over bodies in the path, leaps from love to love and opens up huge cans of worms.

Even said lightly, it makes a girl remember...all the boys, the cads, the ones who used it to get sex, the dewy-eyed who believed in it but didn't know what the hell it was, the sincere and insincere alike, those who said it as an experiment, those who used it as a knife. The ones who meant it that you couldn't quite accept. The ones you might.

Darling Boz,
thanks for asking.

Saddest words of tongue or pen XI

Number 11:
My monk. I am considering it.
It wouldn't be a stylish marriage. He can't afford a carriage. But I'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

He kidnaps abused dogs and gives them to battered women.
He once saved a duck that was covered in engine oil by jumping in and out of moving cars and hitching a ride to the vet.
Crazy people stop and talk to him and he soothes them.
He has eyelashes like a girl. Sometimes I think he is belligerently naive. Sometimes I think he is from another planet. Sometimes I think he's insane. Sometimes I think I am lucky.

He is peeling back the vulcanized rubber around my heart. I didn't believe anyone could, or would ever again. He is big enough to forgive my past (his own is worse! haha! thank god). He permits my inconsistencies and my edges. He embraces them.
I fought him so hard. I still fight him. He is even more stubborn than I am.

Maybe I'm just another duck to him. A crazy abandoned dog. A toothless wino begging a smoke.
That'd be ok.

soundtrack:
dancing in our underwear and boots like superheroes to the Clash

Saddest words of tongue or pen IX and X

Suitor #9
was a scorpio poet. So was
Suitor #10

Can you say triangle?

I loved number nine, my tantric mystic no-strings love buddy who I thought I could bring around. Once he got his head straight we'd end up together. So I kept my cool, baby.
I kept my cool.
O magic nine... he was divine. (can you say messiah complex?)
Can you say soulmate?
Can you say delusional?
Can you say OM-ecstasy-Dylan-God-and-O-O-O all over the place all day long?

I played it cool with number 9 by fooling around with number 10.
Can you say mistake?
He was the green-eyed monster. He had four kidneys.
Can you say Jealousy-public indecency-screams-somebody call the police?

Number 9 proposed to me:
We'd been on again. Getting along.
"I feel really close to you right now. "
"Will you marry me?"

I couldn't say yes because I wanted to so much. I knew it was something he was trying on. I knew he didn't love me. But I wanted to say yes. I showed him with my face. I nodded inside.
The next day I asked him:
"How could you say that to me?"
He said:
"I just thought it was something you needed to hear."

He's with my sister now.
Number 10 proposed to me:
He sang: "Little Girl I wanna Marry You" while driving drunk. He flashed his gollum-green eyes at me and said:
"You're my whore. Don't see anyone but me. Let's get married in Vegas, baby."

He married an aerobics instructor in Missouri. But sometimes he still calls me.

You can find either of their books on Amazon.com. And somewhere in the meshes of some of those poems, I'm there, but you won't see me.

Soundtrack:
Indian ragas, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen sung with a Minnesota accent

Saddest words of tongue or pen VIII

Suitor #8
He proposed after a drunken night of bar hopping in Chicago. It was the end of August. I wore a red tank top and his jeans that I could actually fit into because I was high on love and had lost five pounds just from all that pulse-racing-not-eating-drinking-diet-dr.pepper-and-vermouth-all-day-long stuff. We wound up half naked in Lake Michigan. He said:

"I always want to be the one to hold your hair back when you puke."

I looked up past the moon and directly into the eyes of the pervert on the rocks above us, who was gleefully pulling his pud.

Soundtrack:
Waves lapping, flesh slapping...

The Meeting

I had my meeting with the internet girl last night. The plan was that she was coming to watch my improv comedy show and then we'd hang out after. I wanted everything to go as well as it could, so of course, the first thing I did was stay an extra hour at work playing video games. I really wanted to finish that level.

That put me on the Freeway about 7:45 p.m. Not a very good idea. For about two miles I drove at my idle speed. You know, when you put your car in drive and don't hit the gas. Yeah, that fast.

During my half hour search for parking, I realized I only had $12 in my wallet. When I finally found a space (a good 10 minutes after I was supposed to be warming up for my show), I rushed to the little pizza place and hit the ATM. Card #1 - withdraw $40. Waiting... waiting... Insufficient funds. Dammit. Card #1 - withdraw $20. Waiting... waiting... Dispensing cash. Hurrah! Card #2 - withdraw $20. Waiting... waiting... Insufficient funds. Dammit.

$32. That isn't too bad. I can still buy quite a few drinks with that and still grab a bite to eat if she wants.

So I rushed to the theater and was greeted by Improv Matt (don't ask me about this guy). He said that he just paid for our rehearsal space for the next month and everyone owed him $11. Ouch. Down to $20.

We warmed up and had a kick as show (one of my best). We came out to the bar and were getting our "good show" comments from all around when this girl said "Andrew." "Rachel?" Yep. it was her. We chatted briefly. She liked the show. But another group was going on that I wanted to see, so we snuck inside and watched that show.

About 11 p.m. we ended up back at the bar. I asked her if she wanted to go get something to eat, thinking $20 will get me a lot further in food than at the bar. I didn't want to go anywhere else bar wise because IO has $2 PBR and Miller High Life (the Champaign of beers). We sat down and talked. Got to know each other a little better. There was a little awkwardness.

At one point a group of guys behind us started talking loudly about "the Aviator," and she turned and started talking to them. With her back to me? Podwacked! Luckily my friend/troupe member Andy came over and started talking to me about this improvise sitcom he's working on. Both of our conversations ended about the same time, and Rachel and I were talking once again.

I was doing all right. I had about $14 left. Then the Aviator guys mentioned shots. Not wanting to look weak, I said I could totally do a shot. Rachel didn't know if she wanted to get too drunk, and me in my High Life induced stupidity, edged her on. Bartender. Two shots and another beer. Total: $12. I gave my last $2 as a tip.

Post shots the conversation flowed a little easier. I tried to remember all the advise given to me by my blogmates. I didn't tell her about her preparation vs. weight ratio, but I did try to find out more about her and keep me a bit of a mystery.

Around 1 a.m. she asked if we should get another round of drinks. "Uh, no. I'd better stop if I'm driving home." Nice play by me. We left the bar and walked a little to sober both us up for our respective drives. I showed her Amoeba (the coolest CD store around) and the Arclight (the coolest movie theater around). Finally we got back to her car. Exchanged numbers, both said how much fun we had, and went our different ways.

On my walk back to my car (I parked really far away), I looked through my wallet to keep my mind off of puking. There was still a dollar left. I'd miscounted. Score!

Saddest words of tongue or pen VII

Lucky 7. He was for real. I was stupid.


Soundtrack:
songs we made up in his car, sound of my foot connecting with my own ass.

Saddest Words of Tongue or Pen V and VI

Suitors V and VI
Were best friends. VI betrayed V in typical goth fashion. Bloomington, Indiana. Who'd have thought it'd be a hotbed of people who liked to play vampire? I was an unsuspecting expatriot, about to live in the US for the first time since 3rd grade. I fell in with the wrong crowd. They seemed interesting and exotic after the crew-cutted Airforce kids I'd known abroad. They had long hair and watched noir movies. They wore black and rented out victorian hotels to play their little games. I was skeptical, but lonely.

Suitor V was a serial monogamist. He confessed to me a terror of being alone. We broke up, got back together. I whispered "I hate you" into his dyed-black hair. He said, "I hate you too". We licked each other's tears and smoked cloves. Then he proposed.

But I was in love with VI, crazy in love, out of my head. We'd meet between our dorms at 3 am, walking in the fog, and kiss under streetlights. He called me "sweetheart". He was a mean alcoholic who liked to act as an agent of chaos, but I didn't see it that way. I thought he was a tortured soul. Glamorous, dangerous, but sweet to me.

We were going to move to Seattle when he graduated. We were going to be writers. I believed him. I took a semester off and went to the Philippines. He called me long distance every day from Indiana. When I returned, he dumped me. Then asked me to reiumburse him for the phone bill. I gave him a carton of duty-free Winstons instead.

Soundtrack:
Nick Cave, Sisters of Mercy, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits

Saddest words of tongue or pen IV

Suitor #4
Was a big naive mama's boy. I seduced him with a sob story about Suitor #2. Our bodies worked together, but I felt too much a woman of the world for him. He was kind of a geek, but in a good way. He could pick me up and catch me when I fake-fainted. We had fantastic hormonal high school love all over the place--apartments where I babysat (kissing next to a suit of armor while the rugrats slept). on rooftops, in hotel rooms at resorts, in my room, in his room, on the train, on road trips, backstage after drama class...
Soundtrack:
Enya, Kenny G.
Method of proposal:
He gave me a claddagh ring he had made to spec by a Turkish jeweler. He wrote "I will always love you" in my yearbook (that was the prom song that year), gave me an 8x10 glossy portrait of himself and went to Stanford, where he promptly abandoned me for some girl in his fencing club. I sold the ring. It's not like I didn't see it coming.

He's married now and in the C.I.A. It never would have worked.

Saddest words of tongue or pen II

Then I had a long dry spell. From third grade until tenth grade, no one begged me for my hand until...
Suitor #2
I can never decide if he was a sociopath or just a typical 17 year old guy. I associate him with freezing cold. He was a demon made of snow.
He was my first. There was no blood and so he accused me of having done all sorts of things I'd never heard of. It hurt a lot. At the time I was very religious (my catholic phase) and I wouldn't hear of having sex before marriage, even though I was desperately in love with him. The feeling was not mutual. (but like many dumb adolescents, I believed that sex created love) I held out for so long he asked me to marry him. I was curious. He was beautiful. It was a total con. We were lovers for about 4 months, until he dumped me for my best friend, right before prom who screwed him within the week and dumped him at the dance.

The manner of the proposal:
In the Citadel (the old walled city) in Ankara. A heavy snow had fallen. We climbed over the ramparts of the old castle and skidded into this little knoll below the floodlights. Below that was a sheer drop, trash at the bottom of the mountain, and all the city in the distance. Minarets in the snow. He told me we'd live in a castle. My feet were freezing. We were missing another girl's birthday party, a girl who was also in love with him. He never kissed me, not once. (because I had braces, he said). We had to remain a secret. I never told anyone anything about any of this for nearly five years.

Saddest Words of Tongue or Pen III

...continued from I and II.

Suitor #3
Offered to buy me from my mother. I was sixteen, with masses of brown wavy hair and the braces had come off by then. He said I had childbearing hips. I couldn't tell how old he was, but he was missing most of his teeth. We were visiting towns around the Black Sea, in northern Turkey. We stopped in a little caravanserai to look at rugs and copperware and knives. He offered to make me his second wife. I wouldn't have to do any work, he said. I could have my own room in his house, he said. Business was good, he said, and he brought out a head dress of gold coins.

Earlier that day on the road I'd seen walking haystacks--they looked kind of like giant grassy versions of the McDonalds' fry guys--bundles of hay with legs. They were women. The men sat in the teahouses playing backgammon. The women went from having beautiful poppy clear skin and straight slender bodies to hags--real hags with humps and snaggle teeth--rapidly. The men drank little glasses of amber tea with sugar lumps, and sat, and watched the road.

I tried on the gold coin head dress. I thought about carrying this man's hay. I thought about him plowing me in some tiny calsomined room. For a minute, the oddness of it tempted me. But then, I didn't speak Turkish. And I was already afraid of the first wife.

My mother told him no. So he pulled his son out of the back room and offered him as a husband instead.

Misfortune Cookies

Actual fortune cookie fortunes from a set of "Misfortune" cookies:

Boys lie and kind of stink. [Gotta agree with that one.]
It worries me how dumb you are.
Have a great day, you worthless turd.
Wow, you're ugly.
Since you're gross, shouldn't you be smart?
You're ugly, and that's sad.

The saddest words of tongue or pen

Are the words it might have been...

I reflected seriously last night, on my two hour busride home, on what, exactly, had thrown me into such a swivet over Boz's offhand comment in the audio post. And I came to the conclusion that I, like all women, I'd bet, have already had enough marriage proposals that, if I'd accepted them all, would have enabled me to marry more times than Elizabeth Taylor (sidenote--is Liz Taylor Paris Hilton's mother??). Like poor Amanda in the Glass Menagerie, I have had my share of gentlemen callers. I'd like to sound the roll call, if I may.

First Suitor: Prince Roger/ alias Roger Sunshine
my age at the time: 5-7
duration of relationship: 2 years
Prince Roger Sunshine was an imaginary lover, whom I based heavily on Superman. He could fly, he had a cape, but he wasn't a superhero, he was a prince. His last name, "Sunshine" came I think from a doll I coveted that my working single mother of 3 couldn't afford, who had long blonde hair, named Suzy Sunshine. I wanted to look like her. I don't know where I got the name Roger.
the manner in which he proposed:
He flew me to the top of the Eiffel tower and presented me with a mink coat and I became a princess who was also a ballerina in her spare time. Or vice versa.

to be continued...

The Plot Thickens...

When I saw that Amyjo was willing to bloody her sheets for Boz, I took it upon myself to do a background check on our beloved Boz, and well, there is no easy way to say this.
But I must. For Amyjo's hoo hoo's sake.
Boz... is a cyborg.
Oh wait, no, no, that was Jonnie's someone else's background check.
Boz, it appears, is a little more Jack Wagner-in-that-Lifetime-movie-in-which-he-plays-a-pilot-who-has-3 wives than we would have thought.

Boz's Deep, Dark Secret

Sorry, Boz, I could not allow you to fool another unsuspecting woman into working for Mary Kay for you just so you could get free samples.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Ask the Experts... again.....

So tonight I need to blow off a dinner I have with a guy I met through the on-line personals.... what should I say?

Ask the Experts

So tonight I'm having drinks with a woman I met through online personal ads. This will be our first face-to-face. I'm looking for everyone's suggestions of things I should NOT do or say. Let me have it.

hot for teacher

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Oh yeah!

The wrong foot

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me, the new roommate, so let me say that everything that Boz got out of DVL about me is true, except I don't call her Auntie DVL, I call her the buzznet princess, and I think everyone here should start calling her that, too.

An additional piece of information is that I work at a mental hospital. In fact, that's where I am right now, and that's where I'll probably be doing most of my posting from. To give you an idea of the atmosphere, earlier today, I had a social worker walk past my office muttering under hear breath "I hate this f-cking place. I hate this f-cking place."

Ah, yes. Then underpaid tending to the mentally strained. Thanks, Reagan.

That's where I'm coming from. Just a little back ground info. Now I can get to the blatant sexual innuendo.

Desperate post so I don't get kicked out

Hey roomies,

I have been hiding under the stairs sharing a crack pipe with the homeless people in the neighborhood. It seems like I haven't been here but I've been lurking.

I have come back now to tell you all that I am:
Napoleon


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by


GAWD!!!!!!!!!!


Vigilance

Boy. I turn my back for a few minutes, and new people are moving in right and left. On the right, Cori. On the left, Drew. Who's been sleeping in my bed?

Welcome to the house, kiddies. There will be a get-acquainted mixer on the Lido deck this afternoon. The featured drink will be Bahama Mamas. This will be followed by the hairiest chest contest and an ice-carving demonstration.

Remember, anyone skipping the lifeboat drill will be tossed overboard.

A little background on Drew

Provided to me by dvl.

1. His parents dressed him like a girl until he was twelve years old.
2. When speaking he ends every sentence with a yep.
3. Back in Iowa he had a part time job. He would go out every Sunday morning and untip the cows.
4. He spends most of his free time walking down Hollywood Blvd. looking for Sheb Wolley's star.
5. He knows a little too much about the Black Dahlia murder.
6. He eats peas through a straw.
7. When he goes to the beach he wears sandals with socks, just sandals with socks.
8. There are currently six restraining orders against him, one granted to a dog, a famous dog who I am not at liberty to name.
9. He likes to dance the Macarena in front of the living room window in his apartment.
10. He calls dvl auntie dvl.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A Very Special RW BS--popping the question

As a little girl I always dreamed of a shotgun wedding, but alas, my fantasy never came true. I am getting a little long in the tooth, and though I've had offers, nothing has floored me, or moved me quite so much as Boz's touching and modest proposal of on his last audio post. But it's big decision--marriage is a huge step, and a sacred bond.
So I put it to you all:
Should I marry Boz?
A maiden like me needs some guidance.
I promise to post the bloody sheet, should that glorious day of my deflowering ever arrive.
What should I do? Yay or nay?
My heart palpitates.

-A blushing bride?

Oh rosa

Your date is here.

Time wasters

How do i let so much time escape me!! I have so much to do, so much i wanted to accomplish these holidays and i have spent them so far doing nothing, not going out (unless you count the whole staying with gran thing) not prepping for the coming weeks. Just sitting around and eating and watching tv. All i have managed to do is clean my room (see whoa that was deep for pics and details) and that took all of a day. Its not like im even wasting my time on the internet. Ive become so lazy that my email inbox barely sees any action. I havnt rang my friends like i was supposed to and i have put off things that will only take a few minutes to complete.

To summarise. I suck.

I need cheering up, i need a picture of one of my favourite things.

Ahhhh nerds!!!.. is there anything they cant do! (apart from normal social interaction)




That's the picture they picked?

This is rock and roll radio.

Okay, now that I'm on the spot I can't think of anything to write about, but I can think of things I'm not going to write about.

#1 - Having no girlfriend. I am single, but I'm not going to mope publicly.
#2 - Sports. Don't watch. Don't care.
#3 - My other web sites. Why would you want to know you can check out my pictures easily at ninemiledetour.buzznet.com?
#5 - What I ate today.
#6 - Dvl. She'd like that too much.
#7 - Management of Assaultive Behavior. Because that's why I'm writing about for work.
#8 - Why I left out #4.
#9 - How much I enjoy being here.
#10 - My history. You'll get that in bits and pieces.

One post down, a couple thousand left to go.


The envelope please

We have another new member.
His name is Andrew, also know as Drew, also known as ninemiledetour.
Originally from Iowa he now lives in Southern California, and is a very very close personal friend of dvl.
This was a hard sell, we were in a fierce bidding war with the New York Yankees and Chicago Cubs for his services, but the wiles and cunning of dvl finally wore him down.
Welcome Andrew!

Official apology to AmyJo

I herewith apologize to AmyJo for talking her into a little shaving action on the zonk two days ago.



I feel guilty because I KNEW it was going to itch like crazy when you do it for the first time.

Irritations occur.


And sometimes it itches so much, you almost want to scream.


Aaaahhhhh, the pain!


But believe me, it'll be ok again soon.


In the meantime, I'm going to pray one Mea Culpa after the other.