The Real World ... Blogger Style: 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004

Tuesday, August 31, 2004


It's too bad that Father's Day is past, because I just found the perfect gift. Check it out under the title "Show me your nuts." I am betting that Boz is going to want to order a gross of these puppies.

Say kids, what time is it?

It's time for ...
Caption This Pic

Say ahhhhh!

Who was the first kid you played doctor with, and what happened?

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Tooth is stronger than friction

Dvl and I have known each other for about two years and sometimes it seems we live in parallel universes. There are so many similarities between us that it has to be more than mere coincidence.
Here is the latest, and maybe the spookiest example of all.
This is a pic of Dvl's daughter, The Little, tumbling off the living room couch.
This is a pic of one of my living room chairs.
It is the exact same slipcover.
Not only that, we both have two slipcovers.
Not only that, we both have two different colors of the same design.
Not only that, we both have the same two different colors.
And I haven't even mentioned the similarities in our rugs.
Once again, if you do a spell check of dvl it comes out as devil, I don't think that is a coincidence either.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Convert you site into a pornsite

Just do the clickety click thing ... here.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Public service project

Let's help out Ahnold.....

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is holding a rummage sale to dispose of unwanted state property from aircraft engines to jewellery.
The "California Garage Sale" will take place on Friday and Saturday in the state capital Sacramento and some of the items will also be offered by online auctioneer eBay.
The items include office furniture -- most of the state's furniture is made by prisoners -- 30 pounds of scissors, forklifts, knives, expired colour film, computers, jewellery, a red 1995 Ford Mustang and even baseball cards.

What do YOU think the state of California should put in the rummage sale?

Belle's secret crush is having a birthday today

Happy 39th Birthday to actor, singer, spokesperson Chris Burke.
I guess the crush isn't secret anymore.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

This is truly amazing!

Seperated at birth, give or take 30 years.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

if you're reading this, then it's too late...

i johnnie jimmy/jerry rigged a g.p.s. device to post if i was ever missing for more than 7 hours.

obviously, my calculations were a bit off.

i come to you now from an undisclosed location in the Mediterranean Sea. my food rations ran out 2 days ago, and i'm beginning to taste the bile in my filtered urine.

to make matters worse, the panel on my solar powered ipod cracked in last nights storm, and the battery just ran out. i am now stuck with adam sandler's medium pace in my head for god knows how long.

my knuckles look tasty.

should i not make it back alive, i decree the following:

* marci has first and sole rights to anything i've left behind in the bedroom, and is free to do with it as she see's fit.

* my bathroom decorations go to boz. the barren wasteland that he has upstairs is in dire need of some livening up. i would NOT recommend re-using the bongwater mouthwash.

* dvl gets my incense and candle collection. you had me at nekkid pillow fighting.

* sandra & johnnie get whatever is labeled mine in the attic. since i wrote "mine" on every single item that was up there, it should be quite the haul.

* amyjo gets my cat-of-nine and other toys located in the cellar.

* belle, i leave you a treasure map from when i escaped your basement.

* rosa, i have a beer bong and 38 cases of beer in the garage. go nuts.

* nancy gets my porn collection and playstation 2.

this message will self destruct in 5 seconds.

oh, and if you could leave the back door open, that would be great. i lost my keys somewhere near madrid.

Next month's theme:

A September to Remember ... or Forget.
A time to reflect on things good, bad, and indifferent that have happened in the month of September.
For instance, dvl was born on September 3rd, 1969.
I'm not sure if that is a good, bad or indifferent.

No, rosa hasn't fallen off the face of the earth

but she is going through a rather stressful time right now.
She can tell you what's going on better than I can.
Check out her latest post on Whoa that was so deep.

Monday, August 23, 2004

What was the theme for August again?

Whatever it was, I propose we change it to: August, hot as a crotch, nowhere near as fun.

Not that it's hot here, except metaphorically. I feel like a frog in boiling water, have the attention span of a flea, and am laboring under psychic tragedy and too much work. I can't wait for Labor Day.

I'm still boycotting

but Happy Monday and how was your weekend.

Friday, August 20, 2004


Look what I stumbled across -
The Victorian Sex Cry Generator

Mine was -
"How you have served me!
I am ruin'd.
Now, dress quickly, before the Count returns!"

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Ok, I'm ending my boycott but just for this one post

because this is very very important news.
We are #1 and #2 on Google for
David Duchovney's penis.
I feel such pride.

From your cruise director

This afternoon it is party time on the Lido deck. The drink of the day is the hurricane, in special collectible cruise line glasses. Dance to the smooth calypso stylings of the band Synergy while you wait for the ice carving demonstration, which will be followed by the "Hairy Chest Contest."

from the "travel novel" series....

while i've been m.i.a., i've either been buried under paper at work,
or laying poolside and catching up on my summer reading....
anyone read any good books this summer?

Hulk Hands Holiday


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I'm still protesting and won't be posting. Ok, I'm posting now, but this doesn't count.

Thursday, August 19, 2004


I think Sandra probably feels completely at home in California now -

It's as if she never left Germany.

And look at this treasure -

Deutsch/Amish Cheese!! From Indiana!!

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Public service project

Have you been reading about the deadly manhole covers in NYC? Apparently ConEd has some challenges woman was electrocuted when she stepped on a manhole cover. Another was "branded" with a ConEd tattoo when she fell on a hot manhole cover. I can think of all kinds of things we could do with manhole covers.....

So. The public service project for this week is to suggest uses for ConEd manhole covers in the manhole cover war.

I shall start.

1. Anti Osama frisbee
2. Barstool seat for Anna Nicole
3. .....

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Today at the drug treatment facility,

I work at, some guy told me that New York has much higher quality crack and more for your buck than here in Atlanta. Thought you all should know. I also learned that when you can't read, sometimes homeless shelters are hard to find, since you have to follow the directions, and this can cause you to have to walk the streets of down town Atlanta for the night so you don't get robbed, raped or killed, and this puts you in a bad mood in the morning.

One more thing.... I learned the 3 M's of recovery are Meetings, Meditation, and masturbation. I would like to thank Willie for that tid bit.

Now you know, and that is half the battle. I am going to partake in one of the M's , while you all tell me what the other half is.

I am in trouble

My stepmother found an email I wrote to my sister about her during the fateful visit to Albuquerque (I swear that town has it in for me). I wrote it drunk and frustrated and it was, shall we say, five screens worth (and 25 years worth) of candid frustration, in-depth character analysis (that was, again to understate, less than flattering) and the kind of no holds barred bitching one does only to one's closest allies when one is drunk and pissed. I of course, being the technological equivalent of the main character in a Polish joke, somehow managed to put a draft on the clipboard, where, voila, stepmother (who is the technological equivalent of a Willaim Gibson hacker) read it. So now I am, in a word, totally,and utterly
Have any of you ever been caught out so badly that you were totally and utterly screwed, screwed beyond redemption or retraction, screwed like Watergate screwed, unspinnably red handedly in flagrante delicto screwed?

Monday, August 16, 2004

what's on my wall?

A photo from the 50s of the San Andreas Fault; I like to think of it as geological porn. It's a huge terra cotta gash that extends to a vanishing point. In an earthquake, I wonder will the edges widen into a bigger rift, or will they kiss up into mountains? It's ugly and beautiful both. Whenever I mess up at work, I look at the photo and think, well, everything has its faults.

What's on your wall?


&^*&%$ *&^%$#@! *&^%$#?"%%$

What is

the male equivalent to a Cat Lady?
I think it's a Comic Book Guy.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Check out the video

Here is a video I made of me opening a package that belle sent me.

It lives ... IT LIVES!!!

The Catnip Monkey of Doom.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

The dog days of summer

Ok, it's been pretty dead around here lately, which is understandable because these are the dog days of summer.
Soooo ...
How's about telling us your favorite pet dog story, or pet cat story, or pet bird story, or pet fish story, or pet monkey story.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


It occurs to me, as I study the photographs of the housemembers, that the RW...SB has no blond(e) members. (Well, I'm not sure about Matt, and Belle's monkey is a redhead.) Could there be some nefarious bias at work here?

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

penis envy?

now that i have your attention, my first question is: Is there a female term relating penis envy? along the same discussions of cock blocking and it's female counterpart, is there a legitimate phrase, slang or otherwise that comes close to this? breast jealousy?

i only ask because there's going to be a bunch of it around when the word gets out that not only did marci, dvl, and i test out the new 400 thread count pillow cases with a bout of naked pillow fighting, but we ALSO watched 23 episodes of fraggle rock.

in a row.

Public service project

Marketers in Minnesota claim they can turn Buffalo's 160,000 trash totes and recycling bins into cash cows. Picture these receptacles decked out in weather-resistant advertising decals that would be heat-sealed to make sure they dont fall off on frigid winter mornings or steamy summer days.

What would you like to see advertised on YOUR trash can?

Testing 1, 2, 3, Testing 1, 2, 3 ...

What the fuck has happened to everybody?

Monday, August 09, 2004

Happy Monday

What was the dumbest thing you did this past weekend?

I walked into a park bench and recieved a three inch abrasion on my leg for my troubles.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Today is David Duchovney's 44th birthday

According to Jonnie, David Duchovney is evil incarnate.

I don't know, I just don't see it.

Friday, August 06, 2004

West Coast Real Worlders -

When would be a good time to meet?
If Jonnie, Sandra, Dvl, and Nancy were to meet in one place, it would be the largest RW congregation ever! If we could catch AmyJo on her way back from New Mexico, it would be half of the 10 housemates (though I don't think she spends much time on the internet outside the workplace, so I don't know how feasible that would be).

So when is a good time for everybody? Evening? Weekends?? LA or Orange County??
Sandra and I are pretty flexible.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

As Sandra asks the musical question ...

Who knew Martin Sheen was such a sex bomb

I hate to see a man come between two roommates so I beseeched Martin, who I know in a roundabout way because Charlie and I did time together, to autograph separate pics for Belle and Nancy.
What I do to keep peace and harmony in this house.
Belle's pic
Nancy's pic
I hope this nips any bad blood in the bud.

Public service project

From the BBC:

Tesco plans anti-tantrum trolley

Many children have tantrums in the supermarket
Designers are working on a shopping trolley that plays DVDs, CDs and educational games for children. Supermarket chain Tesco is developing plans for what it calls the Tantrum Tamer with trolley manufacturer Wanzl.

The design features an electronic screen attached to the handle of the trolley and a seat at the back.

I think it is possible that Tesco may not have thought of ALL the possible add-ons that would help the shopping parent entertain his/her child/ren. I am certain that RW...BS housemates and readers can come up with some excellent suggestions.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia !!!

Marcia Brady turns 48 years old today.

Name your favorite Brady Bunch moment.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004


"Well, they say that santa fe is less than ninety miles away,
And I got time to roll a number and rent a car.
Oh, albuquerque.
I’ve been flyin’ down the road, and I’ve been starvin’ to be alone,
And independent from the scene that I’ve known.
So I’ll stop when I can, find some fried eggs and country ham.
I’ll find somewhere where they don’t care who I am.
Oh, albuquerque,Albuquerque. "
-Neil Young

I'm going to Albuquerque tomorrow morning. If I encounter any aliens, illegal or extraterrestrial, you will be the first to know. And if I die in midair in a fiery ball of flame or spontaneously combust from parental weirdnesses, it's been lovely and pleasant. I will eat some soapapillas in the RW...BS's honor. With honey. And beer.

New Mexico is a weird place.
Both my grandfathers worked on the bomb.

I spent miserable summers in the early 1980s there--living below the poverty line, tormented by an evil stepmother and sleeping in the basement, listening to ambulances and barking dogs and convinced that if the monsters behind the furnace didn't get me, the scary borrachos outside on the sidewalks would. Or that I would simply die of my step's bitchiness and my father's lack of spine. I used to stay up all night reading out of sheer terror. Which is why I can read so fast to this day. And probably why I remember every single book I ever read as a child. Fear does wonders for the memory. We had a swamp cooler. Ever seen one? They're like primitive air conditioners, only all they do is drip water and tantalize you because they sound like air conditioners, and you keep expecting them to give you the blessed relief of air conditioners, but they don't do Shit. I used to get good old New Mexico nosebleeds all the time, too. And the sound of cicadas can still stop my heart.

I hate Albuquerque. Especially in summer.
But then again, it's kind of an amazing city, because it hasn't changed since the 1970s. It's like time tripping to go there. Just as long as I don't have to sleep in the basement.

mork calling orsen...come in orsen...

listen. i've been in a bit of a funk. i was over at zann's house with a colander on my head when lightning struck and now i can't stop ta-ta-talking like max headro-ro-room.

not since the days of coke vs. pep-pep-pppsi challenge have i felt so, *cough*, wired. the g-g-g-good NEWS IS! that i can now transmit pictures from the hub-ub-ubble t-t-t-telscope to the televsion our room.

when we're not playing ne-k-k-k-kid nintedo p-p-illow fighting, that izz.z..z..z.


It's the chance of a lifetime

Go over to The Grand Ennui and tell me how adorable I am.

I'd rather shave Bea Arthur's legs than listen to Led Zepplin

But here's a quiz anyway.

You Are

Fool In The Rain

You are a very bizarre person, to say the least. You don't think the way most other people do. And you probably don't really care.

You defy convention, and probably really like burritos. And you're very content with your life. You're a ray of sunshine. Piercing, bizarre end-of-the-world sunshine, but sunshine nonetheless. While most people are going to college to be lawyers or accountants or something, you'd be just as happy working at Tippy's Taco Stand in San Dimas, CA.

You probably have a really interesting car. You definitely do not drive a Honda Civic. There's a good chance that you smoke weed. There's a good chance you sell it.

Everybody worth anything likes you a lot.

Take the Which Led Zeppelin Song Are You? Quiz

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Today I am stinky

Goddammit. This is the second time this month my Aquarius-live-in-Ex-in-the-process-of-finding-another-place-to-live-but-can't-because-SF-is-so-goddamned-expensive-and-he-doesn't-have-a-job-bumstead-wanker set the alarm ahead an hour out of plain and simple (yeah right) goddamned absent-mindedness . So I woke up at 630 am on no sleep due to tearful breakup/why can't we try again fights the night before, thought it was 730, panicked, skipped all basic hygeine, showed up at work to find the office locked and all the coffee places closed because it was so fucking early! So I walked the waterfront, stinking and decaffeinated and freezing my unwashed ass off, cursing the end of relationships and the sick means the unconscious uses to say "fuck you".


I am not blaming it all on him, but it seems that we have both been a little absent lately, and we haven't come out of our room in awhile, so I can only imagine what you all have been thinking. I am here to set the rumors straight. WE HAVE IN FACT BEEN PLAYING NINTENDO WITHOUT YOU ALL.

Happy Birthday Mr. President

Today is Martin Sheen's 64th birthday.

Monday, August 02, 2004

I think Bartleby killed the zonkboard

Mea culpa. I was trying to pour some Melville onto the zonkboard and it couldn't handle his scintillating prose. That's what I get for trying to raise the tone of this place. Damn!
Sorry. As penance I will now give you a quotation, at random, from Thackeray's "Vanity Fair" which has nothing whatsoever to do with Melville, but they are making a movie of it (with Reese Witherspoon) so maybe this will whet your chops.

". ..was perverted at the Cocoa-Tree, made helplessly tipsy by this abominable suitor and perverter of youth, and fleeced of four thousand pounds."

Ah Bartleby, ah humanity!

Not another quiz, well yeah, another quiz

I found this on The Pissed Kitty's site.

What Flavour Are You? Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.

I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

Sunday, August 01, 2004

The theme for August

Since August is traditionally the hottest and muggiest month of the year this months theme is
dun dun dun
Au Natural August.
If you have to do it you might as well do it naked.