The Real World ... Blogger Style: 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Butter Me Up Lord!!

Comedian Heywood Banks, a staple of Bob and Tom's radio extravaganza, came up with the song Big Butter Jesus after seeing it on the highway near Cincinnati. Go here and redeem yourself!!!

(NOTE: if you're not on broadband this may take a while to load...)

My scariest halloween story post from October 2004

The story is completely true ... dun dun dun.
My scariest halloween was when I was 12 years old and the last time I went out trick or treating.
Wesley and I started out together but after going down Quinkert and Park we decided to split up, he wanted to go down Ruthdale and Kelly, while I wanted to go down Common Road and Eastland.
Ruthdale and Kelly were part of our subdivision and there were a lot of houses, but that also meant a lot of kids and the chance that the houses had already run out of candy.
Common Road and Eastland were streets that bordered our subdivision where there were fewer, but nicer houses increasing your chances of getting better candy. The down side was there was a lot of traffic and the streets were both dark and scary at night.
I went down Common Road first and it was good. I ran into a lot of friends and made a pretty good haul, and then I cut over to Eastland.
It was getting pretty late, I guess it must have been about eight thirty and a lot of the houses on Eastland had already turned their porchlights off, but there were still a few lights on and damned if I was going to waste my last trick or treating night.
Oh yeah, I guess I should have told you what I dressed up as.
Umm, well you see, I had a mother and two sisters and ...
Yeah, I dressed up like a girl.
Dress, hat, make-up, the whole nine yards.
I feel such shame relating this now some forty years later.
You've seen pictures of me at that age, I looked a little fey on the best of days.
It got to be a drag, no pun intended, when I had to take off my hat and show off my brushcut to prove that I was really a guy.
So, I'm walking down Eastland, and there is this house back off the street maybe a couple of hundred feet. The house was dark, but they did have a red porch light on so I went up and gave it a shot.
I yelled out "trick or treat" and the door creaked open slightly and this guy dressed like the devil stuck his head out.
It freaked me a little bit. He was wearing some kind of red leotard outfit complete with horns and tail and an evil little devil mustache, and don't forget that the house was dark!
In a real low spooky voice he said that I really didn't deserve any candy because I didn't dress up, then I said "hey, I'm a guy" and took off my hat.
He got an evil gleam in his eye and sort of looked around and said "ok, ok, ok, the candy is in the kitchen, come on inside and wait while I get if for you."
Duhhhhhhh, I may have fallen off the pumpkin truck but I hadn't fallen off it the night before.
I made some excuse like I had to get home and get my sister's clothes back to her or something.
He sounded disappointed and tried to coax me in ...
I said I really had to get going.
He told me it would only take a minute and then he opened the door and grabbed my arm.
Man, was I scared, I didn't know whether to faint or kick him in the balls.
I broke loose started running away and with a voice choked with false bravado I called him a dumb stupid queer.
I didn't stop running till I was just a couple houses from home.
But I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody.
In fact this is the first time that I have told anybody about ...
dun dun dun
My Brush With Halloween Hell!!!

Juan Bodley's (Sort Of) Pumpkin

I know the person who carved this one...
This actually won a contest.
(In case you don't recognize the image: it's FRANK ZAPPA!!!)

So for my man Jim J. I post with my head bowed in respect for FZ.

I am the slime.

The Demise Of Audioblog, As Told By Juan Bodley...

this is an audio post - click to play

Good-by Audioblog, we hardly knew ye.

this is an audio post - click to play

Juan Bodley, Halloween Style!!

This is me back in the "Haunted Jail" days.
I miss scaring the shit out of people.

So instead of a Jackass-O-Lantern, I give you the "Juan Bodley-O-Lantern."
Please enjoy responsibly.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Post your Jack-o-Lantern Monday

Another Last Audioblog

this is an audio post - click to play


Sunday, October 29, 2006

Act now!!!

It's the end of audioblogger ... as we know it.

this is an audio post - click to play

Jonnie & Sandra: Adios Audioblogger

this is an audio post - click to play

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You Give Ruv a Bad Name

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Sonnets For Inanimate Objects

Once again I horked an idea from Shakespeare.
Find something you love that is otherwise an "everyday" object and write something lusty, steaming, and dripping of RW...BS class.

Here's mine:

PepsiCola is my mistress
She is a cold bitch
Bubbling under glass
Percolating in plastic
Push her button she comes running
Feed my caffiene need
Sparkling in blue and red
An icy jolt to my head
She'll be yours for a dollar
Gas station or grocery store
Flash the cash and she's yours for sure
When she's gone I feel empty
Recycled for deposit money
And we dance again

That's a whole lot of me
LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

S-o-o-o-o-o-o-u-l Train

Son of a Bitch

Sometimes you just feel like dancing

Monday, October 23, 2006

Juan Bodley Says "Adieu Audioblogger"

this is an audio post - click to play

NOTE: I recorded this BEFORE the Gabcast post; for whatever reason Audioblogger stalled and I got the Gabcast up first.
Damn Audioblogger.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Juan Bodley Does GabCast!!

Juan Bodley Says Hi

I've been away. Doing lots of crap.
So I've got a minute to say "hi."

Hello to Juan Pablo Montoya.
Hi to Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez, and GO TIGERS!
Yo to Bill Clinton, and thanks for the hookers last weekend.
Howdy to Ronnie James Dio.
Aloha to Don Ho.
Yowsa to Bob and Tom. (They're radio guys.)
Ya betcha to anybody who's been to Iowa lately.

Hello world. Indiana sucks.
That's the fact Jack.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Velcro Monkey of Doom, Flat Stanley, and Hulk Benet Ramsey

Together again after all these years ...

They'll be opening for Bob Seger in various Midwestern cities starting the end of this month.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

It's Paper Doll Thursday until further notice

Dress up your Paper Doll Conan O'Brien ...

or your favorite Paper Doll Celebrity.

Emotional Rescue

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Long and Winding Audio Blog

this is an audio post - click to play

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I'd Like a Fur Burger, Part 1

Monday, October 16, 2006

Sayonara, Bloggers

So since I will be walking the highwire of life without the internet from tomorrow until at least April, I am thinking I should change my membership status from member to emeritus.

This training is taking hold in a lot of surprising ways (I quit smoking without hardly trying--one very minute example) and I won't have any time or access to give blogland the care or attention it deserves.

I love you guys. Sad, possibly even pathetic, but nonetheless true. This space meant a lot to me and so did the people in it, even Belle.

Ok, tears are in your eyes either from boredom, laughter, or maybe an allergy, but that's it.

Sayonara. I will be sitting tangaryo in two days.

I will be back in the wired world in mid-December.
I can still receive occasional emails before that. But in January I go back into the mountains for three months and won't have anything but regular mail.

It's good to know you'll all be keeping track of dollar stores, saved by the bell, up and coming soda pop, and each other.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sunday Morning in Millbrae ... Coming Down

Saturday, October 14, 2006

AmyJo Update

AmyJo has a hangover in a hotel room in Millbrae.
She drank 2 glasses of ill-advised sangria with her mother last night, on top of a long day of flying, after eating Taco Bell in the Vegas Airport.
Taco Bell--never a good idea. Airport Taco Bell= gastro intestinal suicide.

AmyJo spent 2 weeks in Iowa and Minnesota. It snowed. She had to borrow socks. Also a coat,gloves, and one of those satellite map-tracking- thingies in case she got lost.
AmyJo quit smoking a week ago.
AmyJo feels unfit for this modern world. CNN and fabric softener commercials make her cry. PrimeTime paralyses her, and makes her drool. Why do all the people on TV look the same?
AmyJo's Minnesota friends made her watch "Lost". She didn't get it. She also watched "The 9" and was confused.

She is going back to the monastery on the 17th.
She is going to attend a giant wedding of her cousin on the 15th. She does not plan to shave her legs.
She is not looking forward to it. Weddings make her a) cry and b) cynical. Except for Jonnie and Sandra's, which she is pissed that she missed.
That's all.
My head.hurts.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Juanita Weekend!!!

There once was a girl named Juanita
An over sexed senorita
If you said "muy bien"
She would do it again
And again, and again, and again.

My first concert

On Demand Haiku...

OK Jonnie...

Nuts are scorching hot
Must be the herpes
From a bitch named Juanita

Try that on for size...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Rebel Leady Boy's 1st Concert

Response to JohnnyC's post
RE: "Reflect on your first concert if you remember it at all"

I went to my first concert at age 16 with Duane A. It was Ozzy Osbourne's Ultimate Sin tour (I think). But the best part was that Metallica was the opening band and this was right when Master of Puppets just came out and Cliff Burton was still alive.

I snuck a Kodak disc camera into the show in the crotch of my pants (a tradition that I would keep throughout my high school years). We ran into T. Timms and Yoder there and we met some girls from Ohio.

It was during a hot summer and people in front of the stage were passing out from heat stroke, so Ozzy brought out a water hose sprayed the crowd down.

Afterwards, T. Timms and I saw a guy freaking out without a shirt on. He was fighting 3 cops and they had to electrocute him with an early model stun gun.

T. Timms took pictures of the guy being electrocuted by the police, then one of them said, "Hey!" and we ran away into the crowd.

After the concert, I think we might have gone to Arby's, but I'm not sure. That may have been a tradition that started in later years. I remember that, for some reason, we would always go to Arby's after concerts. It must've been close by.

Metallica was way better than Ozzy.

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KISS This!!!

This will become sort of a dual post from me and Jonnie, if he remembers the concert...

I was at the Evil Empire today and this CD was in the bins at the front of the store...sort of the "discount" bin. Seeing as I have most of the "good" Kiss CDs: Alive, Alive II, Asylum, and Greatest Kiss, I didn't think this would have anything I didn't have on it. Well, it does. So for $7.50 I grabbed it. Why?? Because, #1, it has "I Love It Loud" and "All Hell's Breaking Loose" on it, but here's the important part...

It will be 20 years ago this December (Dec. 26th to be exact) that I went to my first concert. Kiss with special guest Ted Nugent. For a "just coming into metal" punk like myself, seeing first Sweaty Ted destroy the stage with his 500 miles an hour fretwork, not to mention the ladies bringing guitars and beverages to him on stage, followed by the ALMIGHTY KISS!!! The thing that sticks in my mind about this show was that, since Christmas Day was the day before, Kiss came out for the first encore and did an a capella version of "White Christmas" followed by "La Bamba" with Gene singing it. (Sidebar: when the song was done, Paul got on the mic and axed Gene where he learned Spanish...Gene answered "at the Hotel Catalina from some bitch named Juanita!!" When you're 16 and a moron like me, you'll remember it for a LONG time!!)

Jonnie must now see if he remembers that show...I remember Kilby and Duane A. and Marken (and Paul Fleck) were there...myself and some of my "former associates" met up with this motley band at the door and we damn near broke it down trying to get in!!! Reflect on your first concert if you remember it at all...

Juan Bodley Asks For Your Time...

There was a great story on ABC News yesterday about the aftereffects of childhood cancers on the survivors. Being that I am one, if you want to see what it's like, go to Juan Bodley's Hell and check the link I have there.

I can make fun of the eye when it's funny, but this is my everyday life. When you wonder why I'm quick to get down on myself this might explain some of it.

...And a Macho Taco

this is an audio post - click to play

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Hey, belle made a post on her blog!!!

Ten things that belle hates

1. The Little Mermaid.
2. When her eyes start bleeding for no reason.
3. The toaster that hides under her bed.
4. People who don't share their crystal meth.
5. The fact that Star Jones is obsessed with me.
6. Oksana Baiul, and the rest of the commie bastard figure skating axis of evil.
7. When her eyes stop bleeding for no reason.
8. Ham, and ham by products.
9. That Vili Fualaau dumped her for Mary Kay Letourneau. (Vili, didn't I give you everything, why, why, why?)
10. That she never has a quarter when she really needs it.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Jonnie, Back In The Day...Or Night...

Back when we were just a couple of jokers in Shitsville, Indiana, next door to Podunk, Illinois, we used to go get our swerve on at a fine young gentlemen's establishment called Deja Vu. Home of 50 beautiful girls and 3 ugly ones. I always got the ugly ones.

Now Sandra your mission is to get Jonnie to admit he ever really went there.
And then you post his response.

Monday, October 09, 2006

A tribute to John Lennon on his birthday

I found this very rare recording by John Lennon at a garage sale when I was visiting Liverpool in 1972. This is the first time I have shared it with anyone.

Right click and open in new window

Every Song I Know

this is an audio post - click to play

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The Gilliom Cat...

is now online too.

Check out little Stanley Wood's myspace page.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Taking over the world one boz at a time

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Gabcast audio post

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Your RW...BS Messiah (On A Bad Day...)

OK Boz and Belle, you were wondering on the Zonk if I bleed in both eyes...
On this day I think I came close.

This is circa 2003, about a week after cheekbone implantation. (My surgeon used a new synthetic bone material to replace the plastic cheek implants that failed. The synthetic is still holding, praise Jesus.)

The purple markings, btw, are marker, not tattoos. That's the outline of where the syntha-bone was supposed to go. Another btw, costs about $14,500 to have this done. In Michigan of all places. Damn Michigan...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Nose Knows

I just posted on The 99 Cent Blog about my new local 99 Cent store(s).

Another thing I picked up there was this deck of Dating for Dummies cards:

I think the idea is to bring them on a date and pull one out as a conversation starter when you can't think of anything else to say. In all liklihood though, the only conversation that was started was probably, "Why are you carrying Dating for Dummies cards with you on our date"? I don't think the Dating for Dummies card deck sold very well through regular retail outlets because the 99 Cent Store has a ton of them.

I am glad my dating days are over. They sucked.

I will now post a random Dating for Dummies card:
Is your date telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? The nose knows. Peple who are lying undergo some biological changes. Under stress, the nose becomes engorged with blood and starts to tickle, so liars tend to rub their noses when telling a fib. This phenomenon is called the "Pinocchio Syndrome".
Describe a time when you lied to your date, or your date lied to you. Did your nose give you away?
All blog members are expected to respond promptly and courteously.

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