The Real World ... Blogger Style: 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Toast The Flippin' New Year!!!

I wanted you all to see how I've spent New Year's Eve in the past (though this pic wasn't taken on a NYE, it works.)
Now go out and get some brew and get sloppy drunk for the New Year, and then get a sloppy drunk mate and screw the New Year!!!
(Married members of RW...BS may substitute their mate for a sloppy drunk...sorry belle the VMoD is not an applicable substitute.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Awesome Christmas Gifts, 2007

I love all my 2007 xmas gifts, but I think there is one in particular which deserves a special blog spotlight due to its uniqueness and over-the-topness. The gift is courtesy of Brother Todd and it is something that I think could only be acquired at a midwestern flea market (which is indeed exactly where he acquired it), or possibly a southern flea market.

Sandra and I were intrigued immediately after removing the wrapping paper, because we found ourselves staring at a fine tin case which depicts Elvis Presley standing in front of an indigo curtain. I thought this fine tin case wouldn't be a bad gift in itself:

Stored in a handsome tin case depicting Elvis Presley.

When I opened the case, I was momentarily unable to move from disbelief. The case contained, not one, but FOUR Elvis Presley KNIVES - AND one Elvis Presley bottle opener!! This is so badass!!

[ Click to view larger image. ]

Each knife handle bears images of Elvis in his prime (on BOTH sides of the knife) and the bottle opener depicts Vegas Elvis. This was so over the top, I could hardly believe it. FOUR Elvis knives - AND one Elvis Presley bottle opener, all packed in a handsome carrying case!

The knives are all functional. They even have locks on them, so it's less likely the knife user will cut themselves. Sandra and I can walk around with a different one every day.

[ Click to view larger image. ]

So if anybody visits us, rest assured you won't need to bring a knife. You can use one of our elite Elvis knives for the duration of your visit (though you will have to return it to the case before you leave).

Thanks Todd!!

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Monday, December 24, 2007

Santa RLB With A Present For You, Bitches!!!

He won't come down your chimney but for the right price he'll come somewhere else!!!
(Sorry. Even a sacred holiday isn't sacred to J.Bodley, Esq.)
Actually I think Jonnie and Sandra need to make this their card next year, except Jonnie should Photoshop the cats into the picture. And fill in the 'stache. That house was never the same after we left it...

Friday, December 21, 2007

A quiz I wrote and posted on The Grand Ennui. TAKE IT!!!

1. Who do you think deserves to be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame that will never get there? Lonnie Donegan, the King of Skiffle for his influence on the artists of the British Invasion, such as The Beatles, Jimmy Page, Van Morrison, et al.

2. If you could have a torrid affair with any character on television who would it be? (The character, not the person who plays the character) Hmmm, either Nancy Botwin from Weeds on Showtime, or Maggie Jacobs from Extras on HBO.

3. In what year did your favorite Christmas occur? 1967, I was seventeen, a senior in high school, there was a lot of snow, and the only present I remember getting was the record album Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan, and I had the attic bedroom, which was huge, with a lot of secret nooks and crannies, and I distinctly remember the album Strange Days by the Doors, but I'm sure I didn't get it for Christmas, and I think I got it the same day we got our tree, the tree that fell out of the trunk of our car as we were driving home from the tree lot, and yeah, it's strange but that was a great Christmas.

4. If you had been born a member of the opposite sex and had the chance to pick your own first name what name would you pick. Darcie, Phoebe, or Molly.

5. Are you satisfied with your middle name? Yes, it's Vance and it's a perfect bridge from my first name to my last name.

6. What is your favorite second tier holiday? I've always liked Flag Day because it's two days after my birthday, and how cool would it be to be born on a second tier holiday?

7. What positive trait do you possess that makes you feel embarrassed when someone points it out to you? Oh, that I am a good son, I mean, I might be, but still, it's kind of wimpy, and it sounds pretty noble, and believe me, in no way am I noble, I'm just doing what needs to be done.

8. What song do you want them to play at your funeral? Passionate Kisses by Lucinda Williams, wait, wait, wait, wait ... I Kissed a Girl by Jill Sobule.

9. Who is your opposite sex crush? Tony Shalhoub from the tv series Monk.

10. What possession of yours can you see from where you are sitting that you think someone else would consider odd? My Hulk Benet Ramsey Action Figure, it's not a doll ... it's an action figure. It's a bobble head Hulk ink pen with the Hulk head replaced with a Barbie doll head.

Consider yourself tagged, but only if you really want to be.

Playboy VS Hustler; December, 2007

This month, the first issues of my subscriptions to Playboy and Hustler arrived. Since the price of paper is said to increasing drastically early in 2008, I think it's fortunate I subscribed before the impending price-hike.

I don't know if I'll do this monthly, periodically through the year, quarterly, or if this is the only time I ever do it; but I'm going to compare the two titles as a public service. Under each catagory, I list Playboy first and Hustler second, because I received my first issue of Playboy weeks before receiveing my first issue of Hustler, despite the fact that I subscribed to Hustler nearly 2 months before subscribing to Playboy.

Playboy VS Hustler, December 2007.

Accessibility -

Playboy - I received a subscription offer conveniently through the mail via postcard. The special first time subscriber rate was ridiculously low, and I thought I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. Additionally, they had a sticker of an almost naked woman and if I removed that sticker and attached it to a designated place on the return postcard, I would receive a complimentary copy of Playboy's Nude Celebrities on DVD. Congratulations to me! I attached the sticker immediately.

Hustler - You can't accuse Larry Flint of pushing porn. I don't see Hustler around anywhere these days. I had to actively seek it out by visiting their website, and even then the cost for a year was outrageously expensive. After reading that you can often find discounted subscriptions to commercial magazines (anything that is strongly advertising driven) on eBay, I looked up Hustler and found a subscription for about half of what it would cost me through conventional channels. Still, it cost about twice what my ridiculously affordable subscription to Playboy cost me. Also, there was no free sex DVD included with Hustler's offer.
There were two competing discount subscription offers to Hustler when I was checking eBay. One had a lower cover price + shippping, the other had a higher cover price with free shipping. I did the math (something I learned from Sandra - it's always worth the extra bit of trouble) and the more expensive cover price was actually a better deal once you figured in the free shipping.

Winner: In terms of convenience, Playboy wins by a landslide. The subscription process was effortless and the price was a bargain. Hustler required some significant effort and it still was twice as expensive Playboy.

Documentation -
This refers to bibliographic data about the magazine itself (I am a librarian). It's a pretty minor criteria, I was just surprised by my findings. I received both of these magazines in December, 2007; but their cover dates were quite different.

Playboy - December, 2007.

Hustler - March, 2008.

Winner: In terms of accuracy, it would certainly be Playboy. Hustler is probably postdating a bit to keep their magazines on the stands longer, but it's the rare store which stocks multiple months of Hustler, they usually just display the most current issue. This is kind of a sore point for archival reasons as well. If you're looking at these magazines a few years from now, you'll think this issue of Hustler was released in March, 2008 when it actually appeared 3 months earlier.

Shipping -

Playboy - I forget how my Playboy was shipped. I received it in early December.

Hustler - Wrapped in a cool black plastic sleeve. It didn't arrive until months after I placed my order on eBay though. I subscribed to Hustler 2 months before subscribing to Playboy, but received both first issues on the same month (though Playboy still beat Hustler by about 2 weeks).

Winner: Draw. Playboy was a lot faster, but that may be due to the unconventional means by which I acquired my Hustler subscription. I love Hustler's black plastic sleeve. They should copyright that.

Design -
Playboy VS Hustler, table of contents.

Playboy - Table of contents looks like a conventional mainstream magazine, which is what Playboy generally is. Their table of contents was actually divided into two pages which is standard practice for most commercial magazines, so they can run ads on the back of both pages.

Hustler - Table of contents is jam-packed with action. It's all on one page, you can get to where you want to go with a quick glance. It includes lots of sex pictures and very little bullshit.

Winner: Hustler. Browsing their Contents page is a pleasure.

Extras -

Playboy - Playboy included a complimentary Nude Celebrities DVD, which included naked video footage of Anna Nicole Smith, Jenny McCarthy, Pam Anderson, and a bunch of women I've never heard of.

Playboy's Nude Celebrities screen capture.

This seemed intriguing at first, but in reality it wasn't anything great. The content was way too softcore for both my and Sandra's tastes. While I have no objection to video footage of naked women, a lot of the footage was presented in montage style with really crappy music playing in the background. After the initial thrill of each new girl, the presentation just made the whole thing seem kind of silly. Also, a lot of footage was recycled, so the same piece of footage might appear 4 or 5 times during a girl's presentation, which was pretty lame.

Finally, it may just be me, but the fact that these women are "celebrities" does very little for me. I'd be happier watching amateur footage of a girl who works at the local 7-11 compared to these overly slick productions. I did enjoy seeing Anna Nicole Smith though, and Kelly Monaco (whoever she is) was easily the hottest girl on the entire DVD. I also enjoyed seeing Jenny McCarthy pumping water from a pump over her tits. That was pretty memorable.

Hustler - No freebies. No free lunch.

Winner: Playboy. Something is better than nothing, even if it's kind of lame.

Part 2 - CONTENT - "The Proof is in the Pudding"

While the initial catagories addressed practical considerations regarding the subscription process itself, the remaining catagories can be lumped together under the heading "content", which is the main reason we subscribe to magazines in the first place.

Cover Girl -

Playboy VS Hustler.

Playboy - Kim Kardashian. I hate Kim Kardashian. I really can't stand her. She's really annoying.

Hustler - Some chick I've never heard of, but who was way hotter than Kim Kardashian.

Winner: Hustler. No contest.

Advertising -

Typical advertisements - Playboy (left) VS Hustler (right).

Playboy - Playboy had about 20 more pages than Hustler, and I'm sure those were all ads. About the whole first quarter of the magazine was ads. Playboy is packed with advertisements for high-end lifestyle products and it was clear why Playboy is able to offer their magazine for such a low price.

Hustler - Hustler had plenty of ads too, but the majority of them were clustered together at the back of the magazine rather than appearing constantly throughout, which was the case with Playboy.

Winner: Hustler. The ads were even more entertaining. Where Playboy might run an ad for some high-end gay cell phone, Hustler runs an ad for 1-800-JACK-OFF. I actually read the ads in Hustler, because they're pretty entertaining in their own right. I've missed actual Playboy content because I confused it with ads. With so much advertising, you're kind of tempted to just throw the whole thing in the trash. I understand why Hustler is more expensive and you get what you pay for. It is most certainly worth paying twice as much money when the final product has three quarters of the bullshit removed.

Humor -

Playboy Party Jokes (left) VS Hustler Humor (right).

Playboy - "Playboy Party Jokes". These are a means to an end, a social lubricant to make you sound like a witty rogue when you're out and about in mixed company. Pretty funny overall.

Hustler - "Hustler Humor". These are raw, sometimes disgusting but often roaringly hilareous and socially inapropriate. You would never share your Hustler Humor jokes at a cocktail party. They're strictly for enjoyment in the privacy of your own home. You could maybe tell some of them to your mechanic, if he's a pervert.

Winner: Hustler. While sometimes distasteful, Hustler's jokes are, like, 10 times more hilareous than "Playboy's Party Jokes".

Chicks -

Playboy - These chicks were all like models (except for cover girl Kim Kardashian - seeing as how she's trying to cram herself down the country's throats, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if she paid Playboy for the cover spot, rather than the reverse. She's just more lousy advertising). Aside from Kim Kardashian, Playboy's women are lovely, there's no denying that. There were lots of candid photos of Playboy girls cavorting with celebrities at the Playbody mansion, but only a few featured photo spreads which were padded between pages and pages of advertising and long articles.

Hustler - These chicks were more like girls you'd see out in a club, in your community, or in a hardcore porn movie. It was a nice mix of all three types. Furthermore, there were about twice as many featured photo spreads when compared to playboy and the photos were a lot hotter and much more pornographic. There was also one lesbian shoot and one shoot featuring full-on male/female sex. Furthermore, Hustler reviews porn movies and includes screen shots of hardcore action, even cum shots!

Winner: Totally Hustler. Totally.

Articles -

Playboy - Playboy's articles could be found in almost any magazine. Interviews with presidential candidates, personality pieces plus fiction from Stephen King and Norman Mailer.

Hustler - Hustler is rightfully disgruntled with the religious right. This issue included an extensive article on Global Warming and the current presidential administration's shortcomings. Also an article about military veterans speaking out against the current administration. But Hustler keeps out the fluff pieces. No big name fiction writers. The working man has no time for fiction. Instead, Hustler's lighter articles concern practical information like a report on a Caribbean sex resort (with candid pics), an interview with groupie queen Pamela Des Barres, and naked pictures of Chris Benoit's wife. Also a regular feature called "The Girls of MySpace" in which a hot girl on MySpace is chosen for a nude pictorial in Hustler.

Winner: Totally Hustler. No contest. While I enjoy reading, and read somewhat extensively, I prefer getting my information from books or news publications, not from my porn. I buy adult mags as a diversion and something to look forward to each month. I want it to be sexy and slightly offensive, not something I can read on my lunchbreak at work.

Personality -

Playboy - There was just so much advertising. While the women were gorgeous, there was just so much extra bullshit.

Hustler - Hustler managed to include naked women everywhere, even in their articles. This was fine sensationalistic entertainment. Aside from the long-running "Beaver Hunt" section, Hustler just has so many wonderful features, such as their famous "Asshole of the month" (this month is Rush Limbaugh).

Winner: Hustler by a landslide. I laughed out loud and read the entire magazine in one sitting - articles and all, even the advertising. I still haven't made it through the entire Playboy and I don't plan to. I just thumb through a few times, checking out the more interesting material.


No contest. Even though Hustler's cover price is $2 more than playboy and it has about 20 fewer pages, it has about 75 percent less bullshit and filler. I'm willing to pay a bit more for a notably superior product.
Hustler all the way!

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Merry Christmas From The Family

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ho ho ho

My Christmas card for this year.

Downtown East Tawain in the snow

Downtown ET in the snow. - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

I was sliding all over the road on the drive home.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Remembering Nick Nolte's Horrible Mugshot.

I stumbled across Nick Nolte's famous mugshot today:

haha - I hadn't seen that image in a long time.
I remember when he first got busted and that picture was all over the TV. I remember like it was yesterday - I was watching the evening news with an acquaintance and that picture came on the TV and we were both like, "DAMN"!

Acquaintance: "He looks like hell! He looks like he's dead! I can't even imagine leaving the house looking like that! No matter how fucked up you are"!

RLB: "HAHA - Yeah, he must not have been in his right mind".

Acquaintance: "Nobody goes out in public looking like that under any circumstances! Except maybe Charles Bukowski".

RLB: "Yeah, Charles Bukowski probably used to go to work looking like that".

I totally forgot about that dialog, but then when I saw that horrible mugshot today, it came back to me right out of the blue.

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Animation by boz

Cat junk

gif animation

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Wild Guitar

Friday, December 07, 2007

This Is Why I Don't Work For The Chamber Of Commerce...

Last night while in the midst of watching Wheel Of Fortune (and trust me it beats watching "Everybody Did Raymond," "Dr. Tool," "Nightly Business Lies," and "According To Jim's Nuts,") I was inspired by a prize given by the estate of Merv Griffin to come up with new city slogans. For no other reason than the name of a city rhymes with a cheese. There is no other connection.

"The gouda is a good, ah, in Budapest!!"
"Try the chili in Chile!!"
"Get lubed in Greece."
"When in Turkey, try the veal."
"Find some bare ass in Paris."
"You're a weiner in Frankfurt!!"

This is the winner: "Plow some ass in E. Tawas!!!"


LuLu Storefront Widget

Look at this new store widget, and just in time for the holidays -

I still think we should make a RW book.

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Snowball Fight!!!

Non-Crappy Starring You! eCards on JibJab

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Get On the Good Foot

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

My Experience With Some Old Bitch At The Gym

So I got up at about 3:15 PM on a Saturday afternoon, having decided that this is the best time of day to get up, and I did my normal routine: shit shower shave and send the lady home, minus my cut of her "take home pay." And it's always at this time that I go to the gym, because having showered after the lady I get the cold water, and that wakes me up enough to motivate myself to work out.
Now my gym is only 5 minutes from my cardboard box I call the alley, and so natch I go to the convenience store, get a box of Hostess chocolate donuts, 3 Gatorade Fruit Punch 32 oz. bottles, and a box of Phillies Blunts before heading to the gym. When I get there I go straight to the ladies' locker room, slap Charlie the towel boy for peeking behind the second door, and then I turn around and go to the men's side to change into my spandex shorts and my wrestling boots. No shirt; I find it interferes with giving the other clientele a chance to see the "gun show."

Well this Thursday was not like the rest, let me tell ya. I went to the bike row, as is my norm, to get the cardio working, and of course they were all occupied. And of course I have priority over the other gym punks because of my eye (it counts as a handicap to my gym: they gave me a card that says it in plain English and 2 other languages;) so I picked what I thought was this nice grandma from LaOtto to kick off because she wasn't even peddling. So when I walk up and show her the card and say "Beat it Bertha" she hauled off and kicked my gonads from here to New Haven!!! And my response, between blinding flashes of pain, was "DAMN THAT HURT YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!" Now the incident really goes code red... 4 attendants come running over, seeing that Beulah or whatever her name was, had fallen off the seat and got her sweatshirt caught in the wheel of the bike and her bra and contents were wrapped into the chain. Now here I am, a card carrying not quite handicapped dude with a nice slightly hairy chest and 2 imploded nuts, laying on the floor in agony, and they have the stones to tell me that my membership is voided and I have to wait for 2 Allen County sheriff's deputies to come and take me in for simple assault. That bitch was smiling as they unfolded her from the seat post, and in a last blaze of glory she stomped on my right hand, and that's just kicking a man when he's down, I'll tell ya.,..

Now I have to move to Decatur just because she filed a restraining order against me that says I can't come within 20 miles of her or a liquor store. So I'll be out there where there's cows and some old bitch laughing at me. I hate the fucking gym...


My Experience Having an Altercation with an Old Bitch at the Gym

Background: I recently switched gym memberships because another chain of clubs is much closer to my apartment. When I negotiated this new contract, I got membership to any club within the chain (rather than just one particular location) because I like to have options. My new chain's "Super-Sport" center is only a 3 minute drive from my apartment, so that's the location I was mainly using.

The 3 minute commute is extremely important because I like to wake up early 5-6am and get in a thorough workout before I have to be at work at 8:30am, so even a 15 minute drive to a gym can really interfere with the plan. There's nothing more invigorating than showing up at work in the early morning freshly showered after a heavy workout. Also, you can then devote the entire afternoon and evening to the pursuit of leisure since your workout is out of the way.

Normal Routine:
I'm really a huge fan of the Tread Climber. It is a cross between a treadmill and a stair climber and it burns twice the calories when compared to a conventional treadmill.

Tread Climber.

I normally run one hour on the Tread Climber at full speed, which burns about 1,000 calories. The Tread Climber is a new machine, so there are only about 6 of them in the gym. They are often full when I first arrive (even at that early hour), so I play around with weights for 15 or 20 minutes until a Tread Climber is free. After my hour on the Tread Climber, I go back to the weights until about 7:30-7:45am when I hit the shower.

Altercation: Last Friday, I was happily running along on the Tread Climber before work. I just crossed the 30 minute mark and was just getting my second wind, over the hump. I had my headphones on and was listening to the morning news on CNN when a motion in the periphery caught my attention. Somebody kind of nudged me and I thought it must have been an accident, so I ignored it. Soon, there was an old lady yelling in my face. I pulled off an earphone so I could hear what she was saying. She asked if I've been running for more than 20 minutes. I said, "Yeah". Then she got all smug and started yammering about how if somebody is waiting and you've been running for 20 minutes, you have to stop so they can use the machine. I don't know who has the gall to interrupt somebody's workout routine like that, but it really pissed me off. It would never cross my mind to insist that somebody stop running so I could have a turn on their machine. The machines are normally full when I first arrive, I do something else until somebody else finishes.

Well, I didn't want to make a big deal about it. So I shut off the Tread Climber and let her have it. I was all pumped up with adrenaline from running for a half hour and I thought about how I'd just made it over the halfway mark, then had to quit because of the impatience of this pushy old bitch. I took a deep breath, then as I exhaled, I heard "Fucking Bitch" boom forth from my vocal cords. Well, that old bitch heard it too and she apparently doesn't have to deal with very much adversity in her life, because she really flew off the handle. She was completely out of control, flailing her arms around and yelling, it was pretty embarrassing.

We walked over to the front desk where a staff person was working and that old bitch was making it sound like I just walked up to her out of the blue and called her a "fucking bitch". I was trying to explain I was pissed that she interrupted my workout and I didn't actually know if she was really a bitch or not at that time, I was just venting (though after seeing her reaction, I was pretty sure she was, indeed, a real bitch). Anyway, in any altercation between a guy and an old lady (especially when he does not deny calling her a "fucking bitch"), people will side with the old lady. Some kid walked up and was all, like, "why'd you do that for? What's your problem"? I was like, "What's MY problem?? What's HER problem?? I would never interrupt somebody's workout because I wanted to use their machine. I would do something else until they were finished"!!!

At times like this, you can sometimes apologize and see if it helps to calm the other person down, so I apologized. She didn't calm down though, she got worse. She took it as a sign of weakness and doubled her attack - "I don't want him here! He might hit me next time"! Before I knew what was going on, I noticed I was yelling just as loud, "OH JESUS CHRIST!!!...". The staff person didn't want to deal with it at all and you could really tell she wished we would both just leave. She politely offered that she could write me up, but the old bitch kept insisting that I shouldn't be able to use the club because she didn't feel safe. I was like, "if you weren't so pushy and didn't interrupt my workout, I wouldn't have ever said ANYTHING to you in the first place"!

I finally announced that I would happily switch to a different club location just so I wouldn't have to keep running into that bitch anymore. This wasn't the resolution she wanted, but the old bitch walked away. I went in and showered, then on the way out, I was hoping they wouldn't stop me to write me up. That's all I need in my record - a record of the time I called an old lady a bitch.

They were having the morning staff change as I exited, so I got out without having a note added to my record.

Luckily, there are a couple of other nearby gyms that are still part of that same chain, so I should be able to continue my morning routine. I'll find out tomorrow if the next nearest one has a Tread Climber.

I'm not at all sorry, I think that lady was a self-centered pushy old bitch and she needed somebody to tell her so. It's incredible though, the inconvenience that can come from losing your temper just for a second; so I guess I learned something from the experience. It's better to learn a lesson like that at a fitness club than at work.

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RLB is brave.

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