Playboy VS Hustler; December, 2007

This month, the first issues of my subscriptions to Playboy and Hustler arrived. Since the price of paper is said to increasing drastically early in 2008, I think it's fortunate I subscribed before the impending price-hike.

I don't know if I'll do this monthly, periodically through the year, quarterly, or if this is the only time I ever do it; but I'm going to compare the two titles as a public service. Under each catagory, I list Playboy first and Hustler second, because I received my first issue of Playboy weeks before receiveing my first issue of Hustler, despite the fact that I subscribed to Hustler nearly 2 months before subscribing to Playboy.

Playboy VS Hustler, December 2007.
Accessibility -

Playboy - I received a subscription offer conveniently through the mail via postcard. The special first time subscriber rate was ridiculously low, and I thought I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. Additionally, they had a sticker of an almost naked woman and if I removed that sticker and attached it to a designated place on the return postcard, I would receive a complimentary copy of Playboy's Nude Celebrities on DVD. Congratulations to me! I attached the sticker immediately.

Hustler - You can't accuse Larry Flint of pushing porn. I don't see Hustler around anywhere these days. I had to actively seek it out by visiting their website, and even then the cost for a year was outrageously expensive. After reading that you can often find discounted subscriptions to commercial magazines (anything that is strongly advertising driven) on eBay, I looked up Hustler and found a subscription for about half of what it would cost me through conventional channels. Still, it cost about twice what my ridiculously affordable subscription to Playboy cost me. Also, there was no free sex DVD included with Hustler's offer.
There were two competing discount subscription offers to Hustler when I was checking eBay. One had a lower cover price + shippping, the other had a higher cover price with free shipping. I did the math (something I learned from Sandra - it's always worth the extra bit of trouble) and the more expensive cover price was actually a better deal once you figured in the free shipping.

Winner: In terms of convenience, Playboy wins by a landslide. The subscription process was effortless and the price was a bargain. Hustler required some significant effort and it still was twice as expensive Playboy.

Documentation -
This refers to bibliographic data about the magazine itself (I am a librarian). It's a pretty minor criteria, I was just surprised by my findings. I received both of these magazines in December, 2007; but their cover dates were quite different.

Playboy - December, 2007.

Hustler - March, 2008.

Winner: In terms of accuracy, it would certainly be Playboy. Hustler is probably postdating a bit to keep their magazines on the stands longer, but it's the rare store which stocks multiple months of Hustler, they usually just display the most current issue. This is kind of a sore point for archival reasons as well. If you're looking at these magazines a few years from now, you'll think this issue of Hustler was released in March, 2008 when it actually appeared 3 months earlier.

Shipping -

Playboy - I forget how my Playboy was shipped. I received it in early December.

Hustler - Wrapped in a cool black plastic sleeve. It didn't arrive until months after I placed my order on eBay though. I subscribed to Hustler 2 months before subscribing to Playboy, but received both first issues on the same month (though Playboy still beat Hustler by about 2 weeks).

Winner: Draw. Playboy was a lot faster, but that may be due to the unconventional means by which I acquired my Hustler subscription. I love Hustler's black plastic sleeve. They should copyright that.

Design -
Playboy VS Hustler, table of contents.
Playboy - Table of contents looks like a conventional mainstream magazine, which is what Playboy generally is. Their table of contents was actually divided into two pages which is standard practice for most commercial magazines, so they can run ads on the back of both pages.

Hustler - Table of contents is jam-packed with action. It's all on one page, you can get to where you want to go with a quick glance. It includes lots of sex pictures and very little bullshit.

Winner: Hustler. Browsing their Contents page is a pleasure.

Extras -

Playboy - Playboy included a complimentary Nude Celebrities DVD, which included naked video footage of Anna Nicole Smith, Jenny McCarthy, Pam Anderson, and a bunch of women I've never heard of.

Playboy's Nude Celebrities screen capture.
This seemed intriguing at first, but in reality it wasn't anything great. The content was way too softcore for both my and Sandra's tastes. While I have no objection to video footage of naked women, a lot of the footage was presented in montage style with really crappy music playing in the background. After the initial thrill of each new girl, the presentation just made the whole thing seem kind of silly. Also, a lot of footage was recycled, so the same piece of footage might appear 4 or 5 times during a girl's presentation, which was pretty lame.

Finally, it may just be me, but the fact that these women are "celebrities" does very little for me. I'd be happier watching amateur footage of a girl who works at the local 7-11 compared to these overly slick productions. I did enjoy seeing Anna Nicole Smith though, and Kelly Monaco (whoever she is) was easily the hottest girl on the entire DVD. I also enjoyed seeing Jenny McCarthy pumping water from a pump over her tits. That was pretty memorable.

Hustler - No freebies. No free lunch.

Winner: Playboy. Something is better than nothing, even if it's kind of lame.

Part 2 - CONTENT - "The Proof is in the Pudding"
While the initial catagories addressed practical considerations regarding the subscription process itself, the remaining catagories can be lumped together under the heading "content", which is the main reason we subscribe to magazines in the first place.

Cover Girl -

Playboy VS Hustler.
Playboy - Kim Kardashian. I hate Kim Kardashian. I really can't stand her. She's really annoying.

Hustler - Some chick I've never heard of, but who was way hotter than Kim Kardashian.

Winner: Hustler. No contest.

Advertising -

Typical advertisements - Playboy (left) VS Hustler (right).
Playboy - Playboy had about 20 more pages than Hustler, and I'm sure those were all ads. About the whole first quarter of the magazine was ads. Playboy is packed with advertisements for high-end lifestyle products and it was clear why Playboy is able to offer their magazine for such a low price.

Hustler - Hustler had plenty of ads too, but the majority of them were clustered together at the back of the magazine rather than appearing constantly throughout, which was the case with Playboy.

Winner: Hustler. The ads were even more entertaining. Where Playboy might run an ad for some high-end gay cell phone, Hustler runs an ad for 1-800-JACK-OFF. I actually read the ads in Hustler, because they're pretty entertaining in their own right. I've missed actual Playboy content because I confused it with ads. With so much advertising, you're kind of tempted to just throw the whole thing in the trash. I understand why Hustler is more expensive and you get what you pay for. It is most certainly worth paying twice as much money when the final product has three quarters of the bullshit removed.

Humor -

Playboy Party Jokes (left) VS Hustler Humor (right).
Playboy - "Playboy Party Jokes". These are a means to an end, a social lubricant to make you sound like a witty rogue when you're out and about in mixed company. Pretty funny overall.

Hustler - "Hustler Humor". These are raw, sometimes disgusting but often roaringly hilareous and socially inapropriate. You would never share your Hustler Humor jokes at a cocktail party. They're strictly for enjoyment in the privacy of your own home. You could maybe tell some of them to your mechanic, if he's a pervert.

Winner: Hustler. While sometimes distasteful, Hustler's jokes are, like, 10 times more hilareous than "Playboy's Party Jokes".

Chicks -

Playboy - These chicks were all like models (except for cover girl Kim Kardashian - seeing as how she's trying to cram herself down the country's throats, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if she paid Playboy for the cover spot, rather than the reverse. She's just more lousy advertising). Aside from Kim Kardashian, Playboy's women are lovely, there's no denying that. There were lots of candid photos of Playboy girls cavorting with celebrities at the Playbody mansion, but only a few featured photo spreads which were padded between pages and pages of advertising and long articles.

Hustler - These chicks were more like girls you'd see out in a club, in your community, or in a hardcore porn movie. It was a nice mix of all three types. Furthermore, there were about twice as many featured photo spreads when compared to playboy and the photos were a lot hotter and much more pornographic. There was also one lesbian shoot and one shoot featuring full-on male/female sex. Furthermore, Hustler reviews porn movies and includes screen shots of hardcore action, even cum shots!

Winner: Totally Hustler. Totally.

Articles -

Playboy - Playboy's articles could be found in almost any magazine. Interviews with presidential candidates, personality pieces plus fiction from Stephen King and Norman Mailer.

Hustler - Hustler is rightfully disgruntled with the religious right. This issue included an extensive article on Global Warming and the current presidential administration's shortcomings. Also an article about military veterans speaking out against the current administration. But Hustler keeps out the fluff pieces. No big name fiction writers. The working man has no time for fiction. Instead, Hustler's lighter articles concern practical information like a report on a Caribbean sex resort (with candid pics), an interview with groupie queen Pamela Des Barres, and naked pictures of Chris Benoit's wife. Also a regular feature called "The Girls of MySpace" in which a hot girl on MySpace is chosen for a nude pictorial in Hustler.

Winner: Totally Hustler. No contest. While I enjoy reading, and read somewhat extensively, I prefer getting my information from books or news publications, not from my porn. I buy adult mags as a diversion and something to look forward to each month. I want it to be sexy and slightly offensive, not something I can read on my lunchbreak at work.

Personality -

Playboy - There was just so much advertising. While the women were gorgeous, there was just so much extra bullshit.

Hustler - Hustler managed to include naked women everywhere, even in their articles. This was fine sensationalistic entertainment. Aside from the long-running "Beaver Hunt" section, Hustler just has so many wonderful features, such as their famous "Asshole of the month" (this month is Rush Limbaugh).

Winner: Hustler by a landslide. I laughed out loud and read the entire magazine in one sitting - articles and all, even the advertising. I still haven't made it through the entire Playboy and I don't plan to. I just thumb through a few times, checking out the more interesting material.

DECEMBER, 2007's OVERALL WINNER: HUSTLER
No contest. Even though Hustler's cover price is $2 more than playboy and it has about 20 fewer pages, it has about 75 percent less bullshit and filler. I'm willing to pay a bit more for a notably superior product.
Hustler all the way!