The Real World ... Blogger Style: 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005

Monday, October 31, 2005

I've been plagiarized


Check the date of MY picture.

AmyJo's Wonderful Halloween Treat

Indeed it was Sam the Sham singing Haunted House.
Your wonderful halloween treat is your choice of one of the following books.



Info on The Essential James Joyce can be found here.
Info on Robert Frost Selected Poems here.
The other two books are self explanatory.

Halloween Haunted Yard

Here are some exhibits from the Santa Cruz Chamber of Horrors...!

Check it out! Ghost spheres hanging around the pumpkins! That means that spirits were floating around in the kitchen...spooky...

Death Floating By the Rose Bushes---Are YOU NEXT??? (I think this looks totally heavy metal)


And last, my contribution, and my favorite...

Rosemary's Baby!!!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

A Classic Halloween song

If you are the first to guess which group, or artist, from the 60's this is you'll win a wonderful Halloween Treat.
Haunted House

Saturday, October 29, 2005

My punkin



I believe that less is more.

some halloween social studies

Marsha and Tamon go to the Halloween Superstore to buy supplies for their costumes. Marsha spends $1.67 on glitter for her fairy princess costume. Tamon spends $5.89 on plastic fangs and a cheesey polyester cape. They split the cost of press-on nails. In all, each spends less than seven dollars. How much did the press on nails cost? Please do not use a calculator and show your work.

Oops, sorry, I am starting to write like a standardized test.

Um, what was I going to say?
Oh yeah, what's with the PRESSURE for girls to be PRETTY, CUTE, SEXY or ALL OF THE ABOVE on Halloween?
I found myself agonizing over wigs at the store yesterday. Do I get the adorable anime-sex-kitten-dom-"black cherry" bob wig, even though there is nothing remotely halloweenish about it, and dress up in a slightly hotter variation of my usual clothes in the vain hope that someone somewhere will something in response to my hotness? Or do I buy the super-grody sausage curl Baby Jane wig as planned, and go as the aged and scary Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane"?

I was surrounded by girls who planned to go as "Amelie" (seriously folks, is that even a costume?), as Kittens with Whips, angels, devils in mini skirts, etc. The men were happily planning their drag, concerned with getting a good costume, not with maintaining their attractiveness.

So what is up with that? Why is there an unwritten rule that girls have to be hot on halloween?
And why do I care so much?

Menstruation

Friday, October 28, 2005

Our Song

The new RW ... BS theme song.
I think it's from the previously unreleased album that belle recorded with James Taylor back in the late 90's

Happy Halloween

From Jonnie & Sandra



WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Googlism ....shmoo...gl...ism....sky.

My favorites on "Belle":

belle is coming soon
belle is 'totally disabled' 03
belle is a very low activity dog
belle is speaking of miracles after showing remarkably little interest in the supernatural side of the business all these years
belle is the largest tour boat that operates on the erie canal and has a capacity of 246 passengers
belle is een verbazend simplistische film
belle is a biostatistician interested in the application of statistical methods to studies of the environment and health
belle is probably the greatest cowhorse i have ever ridden
belle is the sable ferret who is doing the kissing
belle is a sign
belle is ideal for corporate events

Fun with Googlism

I just did a Googlism for boz.
Here are my favorite results.

boz is as gone as the indians who once chased buffalo across these black lands
boz is going to be big
boz is the underdog of the film and its proverbial bad boy
boz is such a beautiful dog if he were human he would be tom selleck
boz is making out with eva braun
boz is saying "I can't believe you just did that to fred"
boz is found murdered in his bed
boz is the cool one
boz is six and sammy is five
boz is real hit and miss with me
boz is a complicated man to understand
boz is standing in the middle of the ring with his arms out side to the side as the fans chant boz
boz is tolerable but just barely

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Suitable Temp Job for Jonnie

Now that Jonnie has finished his work on his Master's Degree he needs a temporary job until he can find work as an Archivist.
Any suggestions???
I was thinking either a clerk in an adult book store, a truck driver for the 99 Cent Store, or a shampoo tester.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Belle's absence

Belle's father is back in the hospital so she has gone back home for awhile.
In her absence we will be dividing her chores thusly:

I will be taking over her telephone sex chat, 1-900-Monkey Sex
Jonnie will be looking after little Jon Benet her pet lamb.
Thedexter will be in charge of the baby jesus.
Rosa will take of her two cats Emilio and Charlie.
Amyjo will take over her shifts at the John Cougar Mellencamp Suicide Prevention Hotline.
Dvl will bury the toaster every night in the back yard.
And ...
Sandra will continue belle's email correspondence with the stalker from Luxembourg.

work

I only have four minutes before I leave for work because I want to get there by 8 so i can leave at 3.
Just a few updates:
I got accepted for the mad scientist sleep study. Finally my lame PMS will be worth something ($500). I keep a little diary and it is very scientific; little did they know who they are dealing with.

Work is in a huge corporate megaplex that reminds me of a giant beige Habitrail. I get lost in the normal world, so I am like the slowest rat in the cage in there. But I am chuffing along nicely. My job? To take standardized tests and make sure there aren't any dumb mistakes. So I get to relive elementary and high school.

I share a cubicle with a woman who must be in utter despair, because she has plastered every inch of vacant space with uplifting (specfically Christian) mottoes, slogans, and passages. She even has one from Dostoevsky, which I find highly ironic. She is a member of MENSA (her framed Mensa badge says it all) and I have an idea she is either dealing with a dying parent or abusive spouse, because the writing on the wall is really really really REALLY uplifting and you'd have to be in a bad way to need so much consolation.

The best thing about my job is that I pass Moss Landing on the way home. It has a post-apocalyptic beach next to an energy plant and I can bask in the lowering sun and watch the two-headed pelicans fish for three- eyed fish.

So it goes...

Rebel Leady Boy Is No Nacho

I bet Nacho would be 6 times RLB's value if I didn't have to pull it down because of ORCHID N1XXXN last May.


My blog is worth $6,774.48.
How much is your blog worth?

Labels: , , ,

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Sharing Can Get You Into Alot Of Trouble



Son. Of a. Bitch. Mother. Ass.

We're rich, rich I tell you!


Our blog is worth $19,194.36.
How much is your blog worth?

Monday, October 24, 2005

R.W.A.S



So didja all like it?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Update

Bios cancelled.
Hot tub tentative.
Reason, lack of interest.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

More emo than you...

I NEED AN EXTENSION CORD BACK TO REALITY.
this is an audio post - click to play

Long walks on the beach at sunset

Ok, here's the plan.
We should really have a short bio for everyone, but what fun would it be if we each wrote our own ... none, dammit, none!
So, after everyone agrees to take part, and everyone does have to agree to take part or it will be a no go ...
So after everyone agrees to take part there will be a random drawing of names to see who writes who's bio.
Short bio = 100 words give or take.

Monday night 11:00 PM EDT

Monday Night ... Hot Tub ... James Brown ... Hot Tub ... Monday Night ... Hot Tub ... James Brown ... Hot Tub.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Hot Tub Monday Night

I've scheduled a Hot Tub get together for Monday night at 11:00 EDT.
Be there or be somewhere else.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I don't know


It is what it is.

ways to earn money!

Have any of you ever been a guinea pig for science?
I ask because I am so dreading a return to office work (the thought of filing makes me break out in spontaneous paper cuts) that I am considering participating in a "research study".
For $500 bucks. At a "Sleep Institute". It is about PMS and sleep patterns, but maybe it is really about an encounter with a serial killer who murders us in our sleep. I don't know. I don't care. Or I may come back with fly DNA embedded in mine, super strength, or a frontal lobotomy, but really, data entry is the equivalent of a lobotomy, so what's the damn difference?

What are the strangest/easiest/least office related ways you guys have earned money?

Please, no crack whore jokes, ok? Also no phone sex jokes, no stripper jokes, I am too old to be a sex worker and giving head for money is the only thing I can think of that is more corrosive than data entry. Well, killing puppies and kittens would be up there, too.

I am going to the temp place today and my attitude is already singed and smoldering around the edges.
Ugh.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Up through the ground popped a bubbling crude

Which character, or characters, from the Beverly Hills/Hooterville/Green Acres trilogy do you identify with.
Here are the cast links:
The Beverly Hillbillies
Petticoat Junction
Green Acres

It is time

Now that you've had a day or two to listen to the CDs you need to make a list of your five favorite songs, excluding your own and post them.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

my neighbours salute you...

Ive been walking around singing tainted love in various accents (the french one rocks) all day.

Enough said

(i heart dexter)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Dreams Do Come True!


Just when I thought it was going to be a day like any other, I decided to check my mailbox in hopes of finding a bill or two that I needed to pay. Anything to suspend my boredom. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to find the one, the only REAL WORLD......BLOGGER STYLE ANTHOLOGY SPECIAL EDITION [BONUS DISC]!!!!


My excitement promptly turned to confusion when I realized, "DAMN! BOZ HAS TRICKED ME! It could've been full of anthrax and my childlike curiosity would've surely done me in-cancer style!


And just when I had arson and Homicide on my mind, I decided to take a closer look inside...and Eureka! Boz hadn't tricked me! It really was the REAL WORLD....BLOGGER STYLE ANTHOLOGY SPECIAL EDITION [BONUS DISC]!!!!

...well then. There's that.

Halloween

I think we should all dress up for Halloween and post a picture.
I was thinking of dressing up as Buddy Holly but I'd have to shave my beard.
Maybe I could dress up as the clown from The House of 1000 Corpses.
Any suggestions?

Undrunk audioblogging

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, October 16, 2005

roughly 140 bucks an inch

Have you ever parked in San Francisco?
It goes like this, driveway, two feet of measly curb, driveway, driveway, fire hydrant, driveway, port-a-pottie, driveway, four feet of curb taken up by a giant SUV whose butt hangs out into the next driveway driveway homeless person, driveway curb. Any time you think there is a spot, it turns out to be another driveway.

So you get good at squeezing your car alongside the smallest possible curb spaces, and try not to block driveways on either side.

I was in Frisco. I did this. Ok, my front fender was a pitiful two inches into someone's driveway space--nothing anyone who is willing to bump over a curb can't handle.

They towed my car. Yes, yes.

So I had to spring her from the car pokey, and it cost me $214.

They wrote a jailhouse number on her windshield with red lipstick. I think maybe she got sissified in jail.

And then, as I joyfully greeted my car when she came through the gates, the attendant handed me
a
75 dollar ticket.

A grand total of, er, $289.
That's about 140 dollars an inch.

My ass is sore.
Time to get a job.

Jonnie in the Popular Press


Click to view larger image.


Vistit This Magazine Cover/Movie Poster Generator Page and make more!

Labels: , ,

Whatever happened to ...

The RW ... BS chain letter?
The last I heard was that it was in the possession of belle and she was planning on sending it to Jonnie, but this was like a bazillion weeks ago.
I only mention this because hundreds of people have asked me about it and ...
TO BLAME BELLE!!!

Friday, October 14, 2005

The master of his domain

Jonnie is going monkey shit over his final papers he needs to write for his Master's.
He needs NEW audio stimulation, with that being said, I decree today ...
Email a Song to Jonnie Friday

Real World... Aussi Style Part II

Wahooooo!


I'm way more excited than I look in this pic because the adorable Miss Rosa PosaPosa's "Real World... Aussi Style" CD arrived in the mail!!!! Rosa, I LOVE IT - and all the other cool stuff too!!!! Thank you so much!

There'll be a little gift for you on the way soon.

Again, thank you!!!
EDIT:
My favorite Australian stamps:


Click go the shears!

And my favorite sticker ever:

Ayers Rock!

Caption this pic

You're gonna miss me

An audio preview from the Anthology.

this is an audio post - click to play

Shooby "The Apprentice" Taylor

Trump to Shooby Taylor: "You're Fired".
this is an audio post - click to play

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Track listing

For Real World ... Anthology Style and Real World Aussie Style.

Click, click, click, and click

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Quiz

1. Would you rather be in a serious relationship with a Mime or lose a toe?
2. If you had to be stranded on a deserted island with another house member who would you choose and why?
3. Which ear do you predominantly use when you talk on the telephone?
4. What is your favorite style of underpants to wear?
5. What is your favorite non religious holiday in a month that doesn't end with the letter r?
6. Fox is coming out with an all reality show channel, what kind of single topic television channel would you like to see?
7. Which character from a movie would you like to be?
8. What is your favorite teen flick?
9. If you could go back in time and alter one event what you do?
10. Have you ever had a paranormal experience, if yes, describe it.

The Niche Bitch

I need one, I don't got one, and I am staring at the probability of repeating the stupid cycle of doing office work that I hate because I am only qualified to do office work that I hate because the only experience I have is doing office work that I hate because I can only get jobs doing office work that I hate.

I need a niche. Or a pedestal. Either will do.

What am I qualified to do?
Read. Write. But damn those literacy programs, everyone can do that.
And I have a bad personality, let's face it, I have a sense of entitlement that won't quit, lack gumption and self confidence, and tend to get depressed and bored doing routine tasks yet don't have the requisite spine to do more adventurous work that is too scary and or/hardcore.

I would make a good trophy wife except I refuse to shave my pits or go to the gym.

So let's see, I have the personality of a gold digger trapped in the body of a social worker.

Hire me!

I am not even good at sitting still and staring at a wall.

Ant + hology = ???

The CDs are in the mail. I expect at least one really cool Dollar Store item from each of you, or an Orange County phone book, in return.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Real World ... Aussie Style

Received the aussie cd from rosa today, and it is really good. Thedexter might stop crushing on belle and start crushing on rosaposaposa after he hears it.



Also received an aussie wildlife postcard, some aussie stickers, some aussie stamps, and wasn't QEII a looker back in the day, and an aussie kangaroo fridge magnet.

I sent out Sandra's and rosa's CDs today. Sandra will get hers in 4-6 days and rosa will get hers in 4-6 WEEKS, yeah, I added a little something to rosa's CD and it would have cost 10 bucks to send it 4-6 days, and the little something I sent only cost 79 cents, yeah, I know, but it's the thought that counts, and rosa will love what I sent her, trust me, I know these things.

I'll probably send out the rest of the CDs by the end of the week.
Ps - thedexter needs to send me his address.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Yeah, it's THAT important.


Meditating Gambit says, "Oh, mighty A1 Sauce!..."


"...I hope you never run out."

I've had a request

From thedexter and belle.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The master copy

And wouldn't one of the big music companies love to get their hands on it.

That's No TV George,...

I guess this'll be Post About A Really Awkward Moment day.
Me first.

So my girlfriend's grandmother is a lady who is too old to be shy about things. At any time and in any place she'll tell her present company who is an asshole and what itches. Well, last night she expressed an interest in 'Teenagers 101' as she put it, which I thought would be questions about drinking, college, and romance. Well, I was sort of 1 for 3 when, out of nowhere, she asked this question:

'So how about that telephone sex?'

She asked this not only in the car ride to my girlfriend's house but again over dinner. A dinner at which her father would be dining. A man, by default, I have to fear just because he's my girlfriend's father.

So after the grandma inquired about our phone boning, my girlfriend and I just sort of looked at the ceiling and asked if someone could pass the turkey and/or mashed potatoes.

Thanks again, Life.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Submissions are closed

The Three CD Anthology is full.

Update: The Master copy has been burnt.

Disk One: Rosa, Jonnie, and Dvl
Disk Two: Sandra and AmyJo
Disk Three: Thedexter, Belle, and Boz

It's eclectic mon amour.

"Kenny Rogers Roasters" Theme

The RW ... BS Anthology CD

I still have a little more room on the Anthology if Jonnie and Belle would like to add a selection or two.
I mean, do you really want you name to forever be linked with Shooby Taylor and Tommy Page?

Friday, October 07, 2005

The Ballad of AmyJo and Yoko

Good luck with the job hunting.

this is an audio post - click to play

today is the day

Ok, ok, ok, OK OKAY!!!

Today is the day I am going to lace up my truss, zip my fly, button my boots, hitch my underwear out of my ass, tie my wagon to a lamp-post, stop playing in the gutter, give up pinochle, leave Neverland, renounce my pro status in the crastination olympics and LOOK FOR A JOB.




As my gorge rises and the temperature drops, I know it is time.
Because the way things are going, they're gonna crucify me.

Fat Pants



For those days when nothing else fits worth a damn.

fridays are for random jokes...

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
*rimshot*

IF I could be...

anything that could be found on a television at 2 in the morning after a horrible car accident: I'd be...


Color bars. (In case you didn't know)

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Belle's VCR

Since Belle could not watch Martha Stewart: Apprentice tonight, I agreed to be her eyes and ears:

Martha Stewart: Apprentice, Week 3 - Synopsis

Tonight's episode began with Matchstick (the "Creative" team) talking amongst themselves about how much they hate Dawn and want her to go home.

When they watched Dawn & Jim return to the suite, both having survived last week's conference room firing; one team member commented, "I want to throw up".

Jim's wife had a baby girl and informed Jim about it via cellphone.

In the morning, Martha called the teams directly from her horse stable. She asked the team, "Just waking up? I've been up for HOURS" (as if she had been personally shovelling horseshit for 5 hours).

This week's task was to design, bake, and sell a wedding cake at a "Wedding Expo".
Martha mentioned the wedding industry brings in $72 billion per year and generously allowed the teams to thumb through back issues of Martha Stewart - Weddings magazines for ideas.

Matchstick team leader Shawn (the short-haired newscaster girl) was so confident, she told George Wannabe, "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally".
George Wannabe seemed really concerned about the comment and confided to the camera that Shawn was "boisterous".

Over at Primarius (the "Corporate" team), team leader Howie went off on his team when they complained that he sent them to an Asian wedding store. "That's Bullshit!!!! blah-blah-blah-blah!!!!!"
["Bullshit" was censored by the network, but you could read his lips].

None of them had ever seen him that way before and were glad when he calmed down and began hugging people instead of screaming at them.

Primarius was working late into the evening and were all exhausted when they got a surprise visit from Martha's daughter, Alexis.
Primarius claims that the visit from Alexis, "lifted our spirits" because they enjoyed asking her questions about what it was like being Martha's daughter.

The next morning, Matchstick loved their cake so much that they were practically screaming with glee. Shawn totally hated it though. She hated everything about it, but mostly that it had a bow on it. She sulked all through the Wedding Expo and throughout the rest of the show.

There was a disgusting clip of Jim and David talking in the bathroom, strategizing in their underwear while David was trimming his facial hair - not pretty at all.

When all was said and done, Primarius (the "Corporate" team) sold 5 cakes while Matchstick (the "Creative" team) sold ZERO.

Martha asked Alexis to bring her back a piece of each team's cake so she could personally sample them.

After sampling the cakes, Martha commented, "It tastes homemade and that's what you want to go for in a cake".
As soon as she said this, Jim nodded excessively with fake enthusiasm, very unconvincingly. If he was trying to communicate that he felt exactly the same way, that's not how it came off.

Martha shook her head at Matchstick for losing all 3 weeks in a row and commented that the Corporate group is "demolishing the Creative group".

Primarius' reward for winning was to have desert with Donald Trump and his wife.
Martha called Trump on his cellphone during desert and Trump told her, "You have a real attractive group of winners here".

Then Trump asked if any of them would like to work for him (implying "instead of martha") and they all yelled, "YES!" except for one girl who got a really sour expression on her face.

The conference room scene was advertised as "A Conference Room Twist" and it really was. After the usual nonsense, everyone was sent back to the suite except the 3 who were singled out. Martha and George Wannabe decided that everyone should be called back into the boardroom though. Their reasoning was that it wasn't the cake's fault nobody bought it and they wanted to fire one of the sales staff. I think the secret reason was because they wanted to fire Shawn for being boisterous.

They asked Shawn why she said they could fire her if Matchstick lost and Shawn said that in the TV business where she works as a newscaster, everybody always says "Fake it 'til you make it" when they can't remember their lines.

Martha countered with, "I've been on TV for 12 years and I've NEVER said, 'Fake it 'til you make it'!!"

She fired Shawn for saying "Fake it 'til you make it" and for being boisterous.
She still hasn't developed a catch phrase when she fires people (she probably didn't want to pay Donald to say, "You're Fired" since he copyrighted it). Tonight she said, "I wish you well, but I have to say goodbye". Then she rolled her eyes when the team left the conference room.

Snippet from her goodbye letter to Shawn - "At Martha Stewart Living, everything we do has to be beautiful on the inside and out, just like the wedding cake".

George Wannabe was as annoying as ever. I will never respect him.

The previews for next week look even better than this week's "A Conference Room Twist".
The phrase for next week is, "One Team Won't Even Finish"!!!

I bet it's Matchstick again.

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

We need a title

Belle has sent me her six selections, actually she said there were five but there were actually seven ...
So, the CD is good to go. I'll be sending them out with the CD rosa is sending me, which means that if rosa sent her CD out on Tuesday like she said she would, and if it doesn't get held up in customs like the last one she sent me did, I should be able to get everything in the mail sometime next week.

But ...
We need a title for the CD, so give me your suggestions.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Patch!!! warning--contains scary photos


So I was all decked out in my new leaf hat, which I made myself, in homage to the season, 1940s chapeaux, maenads and an upcoming trip to Bob's pumpkin-patch-by-the-sea.

I was ready for an encounter --I figured Linus types would be mooching around waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and I could maybe score with a little angsty thumbsucker type, nice way to spend a monday--or is it tuesday. Yeah.



Bob's --There was a corn maze and pumpkins every where. You had to use a wheelbarrow.


There were so many pumpkins. So many. A sea of pumpkins.


Huge cinderella's coach ones, sad tiny ones, misshapen ones, green ones, some had thick phallic stems, others had tiny pig's tail stems. At first they all seemed beautiful. Then they started to all look alike. And then they started to float in my visual field. The redwing blackbirds flocked above the corn maze, making strange inscrutable kanji in the air. The wind blew my leaf hat to oblivion. A chill crept into the air.


And then it occurred to me--the pumpkins--they are symbolic severed heads.

They also look like little orange pregnant bellies. Cut one open and god knows what might jump out--a miniature beauty queen, a changeling, I don't know. They started to freak me out. Heads... Gestation... Severed heads... full-term pregnancies. Ichabod Crane, the Omen.


So I screamed.



And tore out of there like a bat out of hell.

But when I got home and looked in the back of my car...



ONE HAD FOLLOWED ME HOME!!!!!!

Don't mess with Boz

Belle may think she is being smart, or coy, or cute, but ...
I've known her long enough to know her musical tastes.
So, if I don't get her choices in the next 48 hours here is a list of what her selections might be.
1. Tommy Page - whatever I can find by him
2. New Kids on the Block - I'll let Jonnie pick his favorite NKOTB song.
3. James Taylor - Sharing Lunch and Snorting Coke,
4. Tommy James and the Shondells - Dragging the Line (The Moonie Pottie Theme Song)
5. Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale.
6. The Decemberists - Sixteen Military Wives.

Last reminder

Jonnie, thedexter, Sandra, rosaposa and Amyjo and I have all submitted our song selections for the tentative RW ... BS Mixed CD.
The key word is tentative. If there is not full house participation there will be no CD.
Too bad, it is really sounding good.

Monday, October 03, 2005

themarilynmonroe

this is an audio post - click to play