The Real World ... Blogger Style: 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Further Notebook Purging

Aside from the English Leather test, I found three other items in the notebook I'm purging - 1 piece of advice, 1 observational note, and 1 theory.

Piece of Advice - "Do not leave pop-rocks in the car! When I left half a bag in the glove compartment, the rocks were all fused together by the sun's heat. The rocks were all melded into one chunk of red slag and it no longer pops if you put it in your mouth".

Theory - "Cabrillo Park is the Bermuda Triangle of dogs. Sandra noticed there are always different missing dog signs hanging on the phone poles over there, so now we keep an eye open whenever we drive by and there will always be at least one missing dog flier posted. Stupid dogs".

Observational Note - "The suspicion that our neighbors are selling drugs is supported by a recent incident in which the lady of the house brought over a tray of freshly baked cookies and commented to Sandra, 'We really appreciate neighbors who mind their own business'".

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

English Leather

One thing that I'm getting tired of seeing in my notebook is my notes from a cheap cologne test I've been wanting to conduct.

A couple of years ago, Boz sent me a selection of 4 mini bottles of classic colognes for Christmas. I was always going to wear a different cologne on each day and record peoples' reactions to it. The experiment never happened though because I didn't want to show up at work smelling like British Sterling.

In fact, the cheap cologne set did not survive our last move, but then last Christmas, our landlord gave me the same set for Christmas, so I thought maybe I would just keep getting it again and again until I actually perform the survey.

I got as far as testing English Leather about five months ago, but based on those results, I just don't see myself testing the other three brands any time soon. I don't think Sandra will let me.

So, I might as well post the results of my English Leather test.

1. English Leather

Initial Impression - The smell made me feel like shaving. It smelled exactly like it smells when you clean old whiskers out of an electric razor.

Extended Impression - Fumes resulted in a severe headache. I put my shirt in the laundry in case it absorbed some of the cologne. Perhaps I used an excessive amount. After the headache persisted, I decided to take a shower as well.

Chick Test - Sandra comments, "You smell like my grandpa in the early 1970s".

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Monday, May 28, 2007

My Experience Getting Kicked Out of a Porno Store

Falling through a bathroom ceiling was nothing near my most embarrassing moment though. My most embarrassing moment was the time I got kicked out of a porno store in Anchorage.

This was in the late 1990s when I was drinking quite a bit and, on this particular day, I had been in the downtown bars since late afternoon. I should've gone home hours ago, but everytime I was about to leave, someone would show up and I'd get sidetracked. I stayed until they closed at 3:00am, then couldn't find a ride home (I arrived by bus, but the buses had stopped running since then).

I started walking home and passed the downtown porno store which was open 24 hours. I was feeling jolly and thought I'd drop in and purchase some porn to bring home with me, though I immediately regretted it because it was obvious to everybody in there that I was bombed. I could hardly stand up and I was muttering gibberish to myself.

I decided I wanted to go into a viewing booth and watch a video, then as soon as I latched the door and put some money into the vending slot, I realized I had to piss like crazy. There was just no way around it. I had to piss NOW, but I'd already deposited my money and didn't want to miss the porn.

When I looked down and noticed a trash can on the floor, I realized it was my only recourse. The movie's volume was pretty loud, so I didn't even hesitate to think anybody would notice. All I could think about was how badly I needed to piss.

Well, as soon as the stream hit the trash can, I regretted it because the trashcan was metal and had no liner in it. The pressurized pee on metal made a terrible shrill racket. I mean, it was LOUD. It let off a blaring RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE, but I couldn't stop my pee stream no matter how hard I tried. I had just been holding it in too long.

Soon I was aware of a rapping on the viewing booth door and I vaguely heard an angry voice asking what was going on in there.

I said, "Nothing"! But you could tell I was lying. I grabbed my weiner with both hands, but still the pee was flowing. All over the place now. It was about now when I realized I was way too drunk to be dealing with anything and I had no business whatsoever being out in public.

I heard the rattle of a keychain, then the door came flying open, flooding the viewing booth with light. The 3rd shift porno store clerk, was a tall man and he grabbed me by the shirt and heaved me outside the booth. I suddenly realized how difficult it was to remain standing upright on my feet. I didn't know how people were able to do it all day. Then I realized I was in the middle of a porno store in Anchorage with piss all over my pants. And there was a surprising number of other people in there at that hour too.

I said, "Sorry". To the clerk who looked like he was going to smack me upside the head for a moment.

Clerk: "Get out of here"!
RLB: "Sorry. I didn't mean to pee in there".
Clerk: "Fuck you! Get out of here or I'm calling the police".
RLB: "OK. But I just want you to know I'm sorry".
Clerk: "If you're really sorry, you could fucking mop it up for me".
RLB: "Um... No. I'll leave".
Clerk: "Fuck you"!
RLB: "Fuck you"!!
Clerk: "Fuck you!!! If I ever see you in here again, I'm kicking your ass"!
RLB: "Fucking prick! I'm walking a straight line! See"?
[RLB stumbles into a rack of magazines then laughs]
Clerk: "GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE!!!!"

I left immediately, feeling the clerk was in the wrong, that he just did not understand my perspective on the matter. Then my attention turned to the miserable experience of staggering home through snow and ice at 4:00am with wet pants.

Then the next day, I realized what an embarrassing situation that was.

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My take on Jonnie falling through the ceiling in the men's room

One Saturday afternoon in the spring of 1963 Jonnie, Bob Dylan, and I were leading a protest march through Oxford, Mississippi. Jonnie and I were trying to help Bob Dylan write a song about the March. I came up with the line
Oxford town around the bend, come to the door we couldn't get in
And then Jonnie came up with the line
All because of the color of our skin, what do you think about that my friend
And Bob Dylan came up with the line
I took Joan Baez behind the barn
I told her that she made me warm
Then we had sex and I was on top
And then Joan Baez became a lesbian and then I stopped

Then suddenly ...
A whole bunch of KKK members spotted us!
I wanted to stand and fight them.
Jonnie wanted to look under their sheets.
But Bob Dylan wanted to run and hide and since he paid our way down to the protest march we went along with him

We started running and we saw a school, and it looked like they were having some kind of debating competition because all the guys were picking their noses and all the girls, well, there were no girls, but the guys didn't seem to mind because they were all worried about world peace, and hunger, and the national debt, and how to get booger stains off of their shirts.

So we ran into the school and we saw a men's restroom and in unison we all said
Thank God, I've been dying to use the men's room.
So we all went in and did what we normally did when we used a men's room.
Bob Dylan started to take a leak.
I lit up a cigarette.
And Jonnie climbed up into the ceiling.

While Jonnie was roaming around doing god knows what up in the ceiling Bob Dylan and I started singing "Who Killed Davey Moore" and Jonnie got all excited up there in the ceiling because Jonnie, Bob Dylan, and I always sang "Who Killed Davey Moore" in three part harmony, and Jonnie, well you know how Jonnie feels about three part harmony ...
So we heard Jonnie skittering around in the ceiling and all of a sudden
Here came Jonnie right through the ceiling, his arms flailing, dust all over him, landing right smack dab on the toilet.
When I asked Jonnie how he was all he could say was
It's alright Boz, I'm only bleeding.
And Bob Dylan took a pencil and started scribbling something in a notebook.
Then Bob Dylan asked me if bleeding had one e or two
And I guess that's it except for the part about Bob Dylan becoming an icon and Jonnie and me becoming bloggers.
The End

Sunday, May 27, 2007

My Take On Jonnie's Swan Dive...

First off, let me state that I was there. In the accused crapper, knowing full well what RLB and company was doing.

I seem to remember that there was work going on in that crapatorium and possibly that there was a 2x12 wood plank in the structural members of the ceiling. (Since my house's basement at the time had a "drop ceiling" - or ceiling tiles - I knew then that the tiles couldn't hold Jonnie's weight.)

So Jonnie disappears into the ceiling and I'm twitching thinking somebody from the school would come in and we'd all be standing there watching the ceiling. Nobody did, and as I'm waiting for Jonnie to climb back out, all of a sudden I hear a creak and then he does a drop straight down into the stalls. I heard something hit and I thought maybe he'd broken a bone, but the geek in me said run, so myself and Patterson, another witness to the madness, ran out of the bathroom, holding back laughter but making time down the hall. We doubled back and saw the aftermath and that's when I knew an urban legend had been born.

Let it be noted that I, too, was not good at speech meets in my categories. That's why I went to radio for the last year and a half of my high school dayz...where else could you slack off and play heavy metal at school other than shop class???

My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling

In high school, I was a member of the speech and debate team. All the regional high schools would compete against each other every Saturday morning and a different school would host the event each week.

One Saturday, after our competition was finished (I never excelled in any of my events, so I rarely had to attend the final rounds), I was walking around with two other team members, Yoder and Baker. All three of us were bored, so we went exploring the host school as we would do every Saturday.

While we were hanging out in one of the men's restrooms, we noticed the ceilings were made of a grid-like pattern of styrofoam panels held into place by a very light aluminum frame.

For whatever reason (probably for no reason at all), Yoder and I decided we should push out a couple of panels and crawl around up in the ceiling. We each walked into a stall, stood up on the backs of the toilets, and pushed out a couple of the styrofoam panels. At this time, Baker was washing his hands in the sink and he commented we might be able to look down into the girls' restoom once we were up in the ceiling. He stated that if we could see into the girls' restroom, he would come up and join us. Heartened by the prospect of looking into the girls' restroom, Yoder and I began pulling ourselves up into the ceiling.

At this instant we heard people outside the door. Yoder instantly jumped off of his toilet and down into his stall. I, on the other hand, instantly climbed up into the ceiling and replaced the styrofoam tile.

It was so dark up there, I couldn't see anything at all. I did manage to find a cement block which I sat on right by the edge of the tiles where I climbed up. I heard Baker laughing below and he said it was all clear. Nobody entered the restroom. Yoder said he was going out into the hall to see if anybody was coming in. There was still a lot of racket out there.

I put out my leg to stand up, and it went right through the styrofoam ceiling. I immediately pulled it back and shifted my weight, then everything is a blur. I heard the sound of snapping styrofoam and then an enormous CRASH and the sensation that I was falling through the ceiling.

Luckily, I did not rack myself on bathroom stall dividers. I fell straight down into a toilet stall and landed right on the toilet as if everything were normal. Except my pants were on. And my ass was sore from the landing. And my arms were sore from whacking the top of the stall divider when i fell in. And there was a ton of broken styrofoam in the stall with me. And a long twisted piece of aluminum divider was stretching from the ceiling (now missing about four styrofoam panels) down into the stall where I was sitting.

The crash was still ringing in my ears and I wasn't sure i could stand when the stall door opened and there stood Baker laughing and crying at the same time. He said, "Get up! We have to get out of here"! I stood up and part of the toilet seat I landed on fell to the floor. I hit it so hard, it broke. When I exited the stall, Baker was laughing so hard, he couldn't stand up. I looked in the mirror and I was covered in a white powder which I somehow acquired while falling through the ceiling. It really looked out of place because I was wearing a suit and tie, so I obviously was not working with powder for any legitimate reason. I also had long hair at the time and was trying frantically to get the powder out of my hair. Baker was brushing it off my suit as we exited the bathroom.

I was still dazed and remember pausing for one last view of the toilet stalls. They looked like they had been bombed. There was a huge gaping hole in the ceiling above them and a long strand of mangled ceiling frame descending into one of them (the one with the broken toilet seat).

We left the restroom and the hall was packed with people! They were arriving for some school sports event. Yoder had his back to everything. He was standing by a locker pretended he was trying to open it. He was obviously laughing because he was shaking like crazy and had tears running down his face. When he saw us exit the restoom, he fell down on the floor laughing.

We immediately returned to the cafeteria where the speech and debate teams were preparing for the day's awards presentation. Later accounts state that we all came walking in seperately, but our enterances were all in close proximity, so it was instantly suspicious. Yoder walked in first. He was bright red and had a big smile on his face. Baker entered next. he was also bright red with a big smile on his face and he was crying. Then I entered and I was looking uncharacteristically serious and limping. There was white powder in my hair and all over my suit.

People were asking what happened, and I replied, "Nothing"!

As soon as we left the meet though, I couldn't resist telling everybody, for the sake of comedy.

On the busride home, I heard Baker's and Yoder's perspectives -

Yoder was out in the hall at the time. He saw the wave of people approaching for the sports event, then he heard a huge CRASH from the restroom. He opened the door to see what the calamity was and saw a huge gaping hole in the roof above the toilet stalls, which were surrounded by a cloud of white dust. He shut the bathroom door and walked toward the lockers in an attempt to disassociate himself from the spectacle.

Baker had walked toward the door to act as lookout man. He claims he was telling me it was ok to climb down when he saw my foot pop out through one of the ceiling tiles. He thought to himself, "oh no. We have to get out of here before we get in trouble". He then saw the ceiling collapse and saw me falling through in a sitting down position waving my arms around frantically. I disappeared into a stall with a horrible CRASH. He fell on the floor laughing and tried to leave, but couldn't get up. Then he thought he should check the stall to make sure I was alright. When he opened the door. I was sitting on the toilet covered in powder. He claims he repeatedly yelled for me to get up, but I was ignoring him. I stated that my ass hurts. Then I jumped up and said, "We have to get out of here".

It's a miraacle we never got in any trouble for that. They probably thought it was a freak act of faulty engineering or that it was somebody from the sports event.

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

Some more badly dubbed video

I know, I know, pointing a digicam at a tv screen is no way to convert VHS to digital video, but I haven't had time to explore our new computer's TV conversion capability though I plan to do so one day soon.

If you would like to see Donald Kilbuck in action though, here are some clips of the time he picked me up in a church van and I drove around with him all morning with a hangover while he picked up people for church. It was 1995 or 96. In the end, we got a lot of people to church late.

The Donald Kilbuck Salvation Army Church Van

Part 1 - Arrival

Part 2 - Filling the Pews

Part 3 - You Deserve a Break Today

Part 4 - We Forgot Jane

One of these days when I have time, I will dub these properly.
My apologies to our RW Technical Correspondent, JohnnyC.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

I Will Save Your Ears...

After last year's posting of me singing "Back Home Again" in honor of the Indy 500, and the overwhelming response from RW...BS users to not do it again, I will not do it again this year.

Your ears may thank me later.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My take on the package

Gabcast! Jonnie and Sandra's Surprise Package

Sample five dollar camera pics that I took with the five dollar camera before I sent it to Jonnie and Sandra.

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

A song about the Wayward Whales

Sound of the Whoopie Cushion

The Greatest Gift Package from Boz (aside from our wedding gift)

It's incredible what Boz can fit into a 6"X6"X2" box.
The Greatest Gift Package from Boz (aside from our wedding gift)

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Jonnie's Wayward Whales Poem

Poem for the Wayward Whales

The wayward whales were wandering West.
WAY Wayward.

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

An Even Better SNL Sketch...

This one is Sofa King Good!!!
Sofa King On SNL

(Like myself and some family members, you may have to watch this once or twice to get it...we can't stay up late any more.)

Saturday, May 19, 2007

One Damn Funny SNL Sketch...

Look for the cameltoe.
Sally O'Malley

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Faith, is that bassically you?

2nd email from Faith

hello my dear Killer,
how are you doing today, hope fine. i am faith by name from ghana am 26yrs old and i have a brother is name is joseph and my mum maria by name, we are bassically from liberia, but we are living in ghana now, i am a student and i love meeting new friends all over the world, i will be very greatful if you can send me your new pic and tell me more about you, even give me your phone number so i can call you. i hope to hear from you soon,
with love,

My Reply

hello my dear Faith who is mostly from Liberia,
Here is my picture that you requested. Many people think I look like teen idol Corey Feldman, I am also enclosing a picture of teen idol Corey Feldman so tell me what you think.
I am mostly from the United States and I should be getting out pris ... out of "skool" in 8-10 years.
My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx*, but there is only one phone for the whole cell block, I mean the whole dormitory, so many times other people will answer the phone and teasingly try to get you to bring drugs, I mean care packages, into our "skool"
I have to leave the computer now. A fellow inmate, I mean class mate, named Big Guido wants to use my ass, I mean the computer.
Thank you for writing to a lonely inmate, I mean college student.
Lovingly calling you my new friend
Killer (It's just a nickname, honest)
*This email was monitored and edited by the State Bureau of Prisons.


Teen Idol Corey Feldman

Reposted from The Grand Ennui

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I am just posting this here so I don't have to look at those pictures anymore.

This came to my buzznet account earlier today.

Hello dear new friend,
how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as is my pleassure to contact you after viewing your profile which really interest me in having communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happened in future.
i will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all about each other,here is my email ( ) i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best this new year
yours new friend

My Reply

Hello back at ya my dear new friend!
I was just sitting hear in my cell, I mean my dorm room, wishing that I had a dear new friend, and then (((poof))) here you are a dear new friend.
I am glad that you recieved much pleassures from viewing my profile, but be careful I have heard many times that if you derive too much pleassures that you can go blind, but I guess if you only do it until you need glasses I guess that wouldn't be too much pleassures to be deriving, and anyway, me and my cell mates, I mean me and my room mates, really like girls with glasses. I mean we REALLY LIKE GIRLS WITH GLASSES.
I have many desires to meet new dear friends, and it would be much pleassures to me during my unfortunate incarceration, I mean while I am away at school, to get to know you better.

Are we having a best new year already? I guess time really does fly when you are in pris ... when you are away at school.

Please, please, please let us get on the track to becomming dear OLD friends. I am pining to get to know you better.

Yours newER friend

Killer (It's just a nickname, honest)

Monday, May 14, 2007

Pictures I've found while surfing for porn

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The fish are dying man ... the fish are dying

Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Birds are Dying!

KROQ played this over the radio during a humorous discussion about emo kids while Sandra & I were driving to work yesterday. We thought it was so funny, it has become our new catch phrase. When you hear one of us say, "The birds are dying", you know we are upset about something.

I finally found the original clip on youtube and am linking it here so we can share it with the entire RW...BS blog because we'll probably be saying "the birds are dying" in the future and now you will know what we're talking about.

Around 00:45 we start hearing about the bird, then at around 00:55, that immortal catch phrase finally appears.

"The birds are dying" - a slogan of a generation.

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

JohnnyC. Does Research...

How about this?? I went looking for ANYTHING about Nightmare Theater, and of all places...

Wikipedia's reference to WFFT and Nightmare Theater

Sadly this is the ONLY reference to the show (and there's NOT A SINGLE Picture of The Shroud...)


Juan Bodley Revisits Hell...(and I don't mean my blog)

Since I got Jonnie and Boz going about their "Horrorful" childhood memoirs of local TV schlock, I decided to add mine... Listen and don't get stuck!!

Gabcast! Juan Bodley's Hell @ RW...BS #2

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Hoff, drunk again, and Germany weeps.

Detroit TV Horror Show Hosts of the 60's and 70's

Gabcast! Boz Talks Horror

Sir Graves Ghastly


The Ghoul

Baby, We're Late

Jonnie records himself talking like the Shroud from "Nightmare Theatre" while Sandra reminds him they should have left for work 10 minutes ago.

Gabcast! Rebel Leady Radio #1

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Hey Jonnie, Does This Scare The Shit Outta Ya???

This clown (really) was on a kids TV show that was locally produced out of the then-independent (now a FOX affiliate) TV station WFFT. The show was called "Happy's Place" and they used to have a live audience, in the early 80s of all things.
This guy was a joker.
I wanted to go on the show just to mess with the dickhead.
This same station also had a Friday night horror movie show called "Nightmare Theater" with a host dressed up like the Reaper dude and they called him "The Shroud." (Pronounced "shrewd" because we're backwards here in Injunana.)
So if you remember a dumb bass-ackwards TV show you used to want to send to the bottom of Lake Whatever with a bomb in the transmitter built by Black Monday, then let the world know for no reason other than to haunt Jonnie's past. And for a giggle or 2...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Jonnie

Motivated Again

For whatever reason, I felt this to be motivating.
Motivating to eat a burger!!!
Bow to the Big Boy!!