My Experience Getting Kicked Out of a Porno Store

Falling through a bathroom ceiling was nothing near my most embarrassing moment though. My most embarrassing moment was the time I got kicked out of a porno store in Anchorage.

This was in the late 1990s when I was drinking quite a bit and, on this particular day, I had been in the downtown bars since late afternoon. I should've gone home hours ago, but everytime I was about to leave, someone would show up and I'd get sidetracked. I stayed until they closed at 3:00am, then couldn't find a ride home (I arrived by bus, but the buses had stopped running since then).

I started walking home and passed the downtown porno store which was open 24 hours. I was feeling jolly and thought I'd drop in and purchase some porn to bring home with me, though I immediately regretted it because it was obvious to everybody in there that I was bombed. I could hardly stand up and I was muttering gibberish to myself.

I decided I wanted to go into a viewing booth and watch a video, then as soon as I latched the door and put some money into the vending slot, I realized I had to piss like crazy. There was just no way around it. I had to piss NOW, but I'd already deposited my money and didn't want to miss the porn.

When I looked down and noticed a trash can on the floor, I realized it was my only recourse. The movie's volume was pretty loud, so I didn't even hesitate to think anybody would notice. All I could think about was how badly I needed to piss.

Well, as soon as the stream hit the trash can, I regretted it because the trashcan was metal and had no liner in it. The pressurized pee on metal made a terrible shrill racket. I mean, it was LOUD. It let off a blaring RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE, but I couldn't stop my pee stream no matter how hard I tried. I had just been holding it in too long.

Soon I was aware of a rapping on the viewing booth door and I vaguely heard an angry voice asking what was going on in there.

I said, "Nothing"! But you could tell I was lying. I grabbed my weiner with both hands, but still the pee was flowing. All over the place now. It was about now when I realized I was way too drunk to be dealing with anything and I had no business whatsoever being out in public.

I heard the rattle of a keychain, then the door came flying open, flooding the viewing booth with light. The 3rd shift porno store clerk, was a tall man and he grabbed me by the shirt and heaved me outside the booth. I suddenly realized how difficult it was to remain standing upright on my feet. I didn't know how people were able to do it all day. Then I realized I was in the middle of a porno store in Anchorage with piss all over my pants. And there was a surprising number of other people in there at that hour too.

I said, "Sorry". To the clerk who looked like he was going to smack me upside the head for a moment.

Clerk: "Get out of here"!
RLB: "Sorry. I didn't mean to pee in there".
Clerk: "Fuck you! Get out of here or I'm calling the police".
RLB: "OK. But I just want you to know I'm sorry".
Clerk: "If you're really sorry, you could fucking mop it up for me".
RLB: "Um... No. I'll leave".
Clerk: "Fuck you"!
RLB: "Fuck you"!!
Clerk: "Fuck you!!! If I ever see you in here again, I'm kicking your ass"!
RLB: "Fucking prick! I'm walking a straight line! See"?
[RLB stumbles into a rack of magazines then laughs]
Clerk: "GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE!!!!"

I left immediately, feeling the clerk was in the wrong, that he just did not understand my perspective on the matter. Then my attention turned to the miserable experience of staggering home through snow and ice at 4:00am with wet pants.

Then the next day, I realized what an embarrassing situation that was.

Simpson Generator

My personalized Simpson character:


Jonnie Simpson in Alaska.

Blue Van Memory

For Roadhog Weekend, I'm reprinting a very early Nacho post from way back on December 17, 2003. It's a pretty funny piece of Jonnie history which is no longer posted in my archives, though it is available on my hard drive:

The Post went something like this -

When I'd recently arrived in Anchorage and was getting on my feet, I'd bought a van real cheap from a co-worker who I later learned was also a crack dealer. It was a pretty fun van to drive - there was a huge Malcolm X banner hanging in the back & a bunch of wooden beads colored like the African flag hanging from the rearview mirror; not something a white guy generally drives around town. It really turned heads on occasion.

So until something better came along, I took a job working with disabled kids. On my first day, I drove that van & I remember having a completely overbearing head cold at the time. I was in the back of the van looking for some kleenex & found this huge caliber sawed-off shotgun in the back! I don't know what I was thinking (I was ill & disoriented at the time), but I picked it up & pulled the trigger (I guess to see if it worked) and BLAMMM!!

Blew a hole right through the side of my new van. Right in the parking lot of the house I was going to work in on my first day! I just remember my ears ringing like crazy & the smell of gunpowder. I'm glad nobody was outside in the parking lot! The lady who ran the house came running out & asked me what was going on. All I could think about was my headcold & I didn't want to explain it all to her, so I stupidly stuck my head out the window, held up the shotgun & said, "I just shot a hole in my van. I have a headcold", as if that explained anything at all.

She didn't say a word, went back in the house. I came in a little later & started my first shift. We later became fairly good aquaintences, but she NEVER mentioned the incident as long as I knew her. Pretty easy going lady, that one.


In the above pic, brother Todd is holding his Swiss Army knife by the shotgun hole for scale. It wasn't too far from hitting the gas tank. That would've been a mess.

Amazing Inventions

Jonnie's tribute to amazing inventions, part 1:
Windchimes
Wow! Look at it go!

Real World...Giant Cabbage Style!

Another moment of RW glory:

Photographed with:
Uncle Jon's Giant Alaskan Cabbage (of Doom)

Wild Sharpee

I released one of Boz's giant sharpees into the Alaskan wilderness when I was out working on Uncle Jon's cabin -


It was definitely not in its natural habitat, but looked pretty content nevertheless.

RW...Alaska Style!

I'm back from Alaska and Missouri - I brought my RW...BS! photo-card-thing with me too. I was thinking it'd get me all kinds of freebies if I flashed it around, but it didn't. Not even once.

I did seize the opportunity to photograph it next to the tail of Uncle Jon's 215 pound halibut though, which I think qualifies as a pretty proud moment for the blogmates:

Real World...Halibut Style!

Sidenote: I totally got blue balls after only 4 days away from the internet.