Blue Van Memory

For Roadhog Weekend, I'm reprinting a very early Nacho post from way back on December 17, 2003. It's a pretty funny piece of Jonnie history which is no longer posted in my archives, though it is available on my hard drive:

The Post went something like this -

When I'd recently arrived in Anchorage and was getting on my feet, I'd bought a van real cheap from a co-worker who I later learned was also a crack dealer. It was a pretty fun van to drive - there was a huge Malcolm X banner hanging in the back & a bunch of wooden beads colored like the African flag hanging from the rearview mirror; not something a white guy generally drives around town. It really turned heads on occasion.

So until something better came along, I took a job working with disabled kids. On my first day, I drove that van & I remember having a completely overbearing head cold at the time. I was in the back of the van looking for some kleenex & found this huge caliber sawed-off shotgun in the back! I don't know what I was thinking (I was ill & disoriented at the time), but I picked it up & pulled the trigger (I guess to see if it worked) and BLAMMM!!

Blew a hole right through the side of my new van. Right in the parking lot of the house I was going to work in on my first day! I just remember my ears ringing like crazy & the smell of gunpowder. I'm glad nobody was outside in the parking lot! The lady who ran the house came running out & asked me what was going on. All I could think about was my headcold & I didn't want to explain it all to her, so I stupidly stuck my head out the window, held up the shotgun & said, "I just shot a hole in my van. I have a headcold", as if that explained anything at all.

She didn't say a word, went back in the house. I came in a little later & started my first shift. We later became fairly good aquaintences, but she NEVER mentioned the incident as long as I knew her. Pretty easy going lady, that one.


In the above pic, brother Todd is holding his Swiss Army knife by the shotgun hole for scale. It wasn't too far from hitting the gas tank. That would've been a mess.

Econoliner

I have two massive Ford Econoliner vans in my past. Most of my time in Alaska from 1994 to 1998 or so was spent driving a Ford Econoliner (aside from company cars and rentals).

My brother Todd purchased the first Econoliner down in Indiana
It was a great great van and he drove it all the way to Alaska and back one summer.

Todd added some special features to the original green van, most notably sexy mannequin legs sticking out one of the back walls -


The Sex Van.

The legs were eventually removed so he could install bunkbeds for his Alaska trip.

JohnnyC may remember this temporary ornament from one occasion -

A buttrope (AKA "chinese anal love beads") hanging from the radio antenna.

The Green Econoliner is what finally took me to Alaska in 1994 when I stayed for 6 years instead of just the summer [that roadtrip is fully documented in Jonnie & Todd's Alaska Van Log '94 ] -

Mel, Laura, Jonnie, & Todd - ready to set off to Alaska.

One feature I loved in the green van was the walls' heavy shag carpeting -


Another ornament was a fried egg sticker, and in Alaska, the van was eventually always referred to as "The Green Egg Van"

[ Click to view larger image ]

Donald Kilbuck & Jonnie gas the Green Egg Van.

Soon after, I purchased a blue Econoliner from a co-worker in Anchorage & when Todd came through after his summer in Valdez, it was a van jackpot -

2 G1llioms in 2 Econoliners.

There's maybe one good blue van story which I may reprint. I eventually gave it to Donald Kilbuck who drove it for years. The Green Egg van was ultimately desserted in Valdez after its transmission went out. Reportedly though, it would still drive in reverse for awhile and Todd tells me they would occasionally take it on a short drive into town in reverse!

Road Hog Weekend

My current vehicle is a 1991 Infiniti G-20 -


With one lone bumper sticker -

History -
I inherited this car from my ex and after 2 and a half years, I'm still not all that attached to it. I haven't even named it. This car has experienced a long history of abuse and suffers from a handful of serious problems.

One day on a drive back from Malibu, the brakes went out and my ex just decided to scrap it. I was without a vehicle after losing the one I arrived in Cali from Vegas in (but that's another story) and ended up buying it from her for $500, then paying to get the brakes fixed. Not a bad deal and it gets me around, but I really have to cross my fingers whenever I drive because I know it's on its last leg.

Probably the most notable of its various dents and scars, would be acid burns along the back trunk -


I still take the bus to work, which is cheaper though more time consuming. I just don't want to throw a ton of extra miles on this car and hasten its inevitable death.

It's biggest problem is the transmission. It will not go in Drive, I have to start driving in 2nd, then go to Drive later. I'm not sure I want to invest the money in repairing the transmission either since it has a lot of other problems including excessive oil leaks from various seals:



Oil leaks on brand new pavement.

The fuel pump used to burn out pretty regularly and I learned to reach into the gas tank and change it myself without the expense of paying a mechanic. I haven't had any trouble with it for the two and half years I've owned it though. I add gas when I get down to a quarter tank and I think the ex was burning out pumps by driving it around on empty all the time.

Trunk Contents -
While I was waiting for the pizza I ordered, I thought I'd photograph the trunk contents, which weren't too impressive on first glance:


A 21" X 16" X 12" box.

I removed the box and found a much more interesting array of items below:


[ Click to view larger image. ]

1. Gas can with about half an inch of gasoline in it
2. Jumper cables
3. Left over water from when I kept leaking 2 years ago
4. Socket set
5. Hardcover copy of Mankind - Have A Nice Day by professional wrestler Mick Foley
6. Box of oil (it's a lot cheaper by the box, you get a few free quarts that way)
7. Labor Ready hardhat I never returned
8. X-Men lunchbox containing screwdrivers, clamps, wrenches, and assorted tools
9. Funnel