My Experience Getting Kicked Out of a Porno Store

Falling through a bathroom ceiling was nothing near my most embarrassing moment though. My most embarrassing moment was the time I got kicked out of a porno store in Anchorage.

This was in the late 1990s when I was drinking quite a bit and, on this particular day, I had been in the downtown bars since late afternoon. I should've gone home hours ago, but everytime I was about to leave, someone would show up and I'd get sidetracked. I stayed until they closed at 3:00am, then couldn't find a ride home (I arrived by bus, but the buses had stopped running since then).

I started walking home and passed the downtown porno store which was open 24 hours. I was feeling jolly and thought I'd drop in and purchase some porn to bring home with me, though I immediately regretted it because it was obvious to everybody in there that I was bombed. I could hardly stand up and I was muttering gibberish to myself.

I decided I wanted to go into a viewing booth and watch a video, then as soon as I latched the door and put some money into the vending slot, I realized I had to piss like crazy. There was just no way around it. I had to piss NOW, but I'd already deposited my money and didn't want to miss the porn.

When I looked down and noticed a trash can on the floor, I realized it was my only recourse. The movie's volume was pretty loud, so I didn't even hesitate to think anybody would notice. All I could think about was how badly I needed to piss.

Well, as soon as the stream hit the trash can, I regretted it because the trashcan was metal and had no liner in it. The pressurized pee on metal made a terrible shrill racket. I mean, it was LOUD. It let off a blaring RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE, but I couldn't stop my pee stream no matter how hard I tried. I had just been holding it in too long.

Soon I was aware of a rapping on the viewing booth door and I vaguely heard an angry voice asking what was going on in there.

I said, "Nothing"! But you could tell I was lying. I grabbed my weiner with both hands, but still the pee was flowing. All over the place now. It was about now when I realized I was way too drunk to be dealing with anything and I had no business whatsoever being out in public.

I heard the rattle of a keychain, then the door came flying open, flooding the viewing booth with light. The 3rd shift porno store clerk, was a tall man and he grabbed me by the shirt and heaved me outside the booth. I suddenly realized how difficult it was to remain standing upright on my feet. I didn't know how people were able to do it all day. Then I realized I was in the middle of a porno store in Anchorage with piss all over my pants. And there was a surprising number of other people in there at that hour too.

I said, "Sorry". To the clerk who looked like he was going to smack me upside the head for a moment.

Clerk: "Get out of here"!
RLB: "Sorry. I didn't mean to pee in there".
Clerk: "Fuck you! Get out of here or I'm calling the police".
RLB: "OK. But I just want you to know I'm sorry".
Clerk: "If you're really sorry, you could fucking mop it up for me".
RLB: "Um... No. I'll leave".
Clerk: "Fuck you"!
RLB: "Fuck you"!!
Clerk: "Fuck you!!! If I ever see you in here again, I'm kicking your ass"!
RLB: "Fucking prick! I'm walking a straight line! See"?
[RLB stumbles into a rack of magazines then laughs]
Clerk: "GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE!!!!"

I left immediately, feeling the clerk was in the wrong, that he just did not understand my perspective on the matter. Then my attention turned to the miserable experience of staggering home through snow and ice at 4:00am with wet pants.

Then the next day, I realized what an embarrassing situation that was.