My Experience With Some Old Bitch At The Gym

So I got up at about 3:15 PM on a Saturday afternoon, having decided that this is the best time of day to get up, and I did my normal routine: shit shower shave and send the lady home, minus my cut of her "take home pay." And it's always at this time that I go to the gym, because having showered after the lady I get the cold water, and that wakes me up enough to motivate myself to work out.
Now my gym is only 5 minutes from my cardboard box I call the alley, and so natch I go to the convenience store, get a box of Hostess chocolate donuts, 3 Gatorade Fruit Punch 32 oz. bottles, and a box of Phillies Blunts before heading to the gym. When I get there I go straight to the ladies' locker room, slap Charlie the towel boy for peeking behind the second door, and then I turn around and go to the men's side to change into my spandex shorts and my wrestling boots. No shirt; I find it interferes with giving the other clientele a chance to see the "gun show."

Well this Thursday was not like the rest, let me tell ya. I went to the bike row, as is my norm, to get the cardio working, and of course they were all occupied. And of course I have priority over the other gym punks because of my eye (it counts as a handicap to my gym: they gave me a card that says it in plain English and 2 other languages;) so I picked what I thought was this nice grandma from LaOtto to kick off because she wasn't even peddling. So when I walk up and show her the card and say "Beat it Bertha" she hauled off and kicked my gonads from here to New Haven!!! And my response, between blinding flashes of pain, was "DAMN THAT HURT YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!" Now the incident really goes code red... 4 attendants come running over, seeing that Beulah or whatever her name was, had fallen off the seat and got her sweatshirt caught in the wheel of the bike and her bra and contents were wrapped into the chain. Now here I am, a card carrying not quite handicapped dude with a nice slightly hairy chest and 2 imploded nuts, laying on the floor in agony, and they have the stones to tell me that my membership is voided and I have to wait for 2 Allen County sheriff's deputies to come and take me in for simple assault. That bitch was smiling as they unfolded her from the seat post, and in a last blaze of glory she stomped on my right hand, and that's just kicking a man when he's down, I'll tell ya.,..

Now I have to move to Decatur just because she filed a restraining order against me that says I can't come within 20 miles of her or a liquor store. So I'll be out there where there's cows and some old bitch laughing at me. I hate the fucking gym...