The Real World ... Blogger Style: another sucker punch

Monday, September 05, 2005

another sucker punch

So things with me are actually pretty fucked up. I gave up my job and my apartment and to a large degree my independance when I gambled everything on what will be hereafter known as the Big Sur Pipe Dream or, Why'd They Have to Shoot the Goat? I do this, I imagine these wild fantastic new lives and then whether because I lack true grit or discipline or because I am just a fool, the lives refuse to live up to my novelistic renderings and with each new reboot I find myself poorer and scrambling to regain some kind of footing.

In my case, the American Dream is closer to the Acid Flashback. Or the subliminal message. One suggestive flash and then back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I am currently freeloading in a nebulous situation. This must end. Have you ever noticed that being a parasite makes you dependant and bitchy? I hope you never have to. I am serious--gold diggers and gigolos must be the most miserable people alive.

So. The question is now: where do I live? And what do I do to live?
California is very, very expensive--especially if you want to be a hermit or a rugged individual--ie not live in a collective situation (or a gulag) or in an overpriced rathole.

I have two degrees and yet I feel that I have no skills or qualifications. My self confidence is at an all time low, and yet my sense of entitlement remains inflated beyond all proportion.

My mind goes in circles. My sense of purpose is hamstrung. I am scared, edgy, paranoid, and experience only glimmerings of clarity before I start chasing my tail again. I need a plan. Or to be taken over by a dictatorship. Only that doesn't work. I tend to go in that direction--zen, big sur hippies. Perhaps I should join the army. That would be the ultimate. Or work for chinese gangsters. Really surrender my autonomy.

No. Seriously. I'm pretty messed up.

You got any good pyramid schemes for me?
Have I tried Hare Krishna?
I did get a letter from this amazing Nigerian guy, Pjillip. He says I can make thousands of dollars because I am heir to some steel magnate in Lagos. I am thinking of giving him my bank account #. That would solve all my problems. Right?