The Real World ... Blogger Style: AmyJo's diet revolution

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

AmyJo's diet revolution

In my neverending quest to come up with get-rich-qwik (tm) schemes, I have decided to cash in on the diet craze. Here are some of my ideas that should make Atkins followers look like bloated, irrepressible gluttons.

1) The Poor Woodcutter's Diet and exercise plan

Saw wood in the black forest for 12 hours a day. Big trees=more resistance
Little trees=more reps
Have more children than you can afford to feed.
Give all your food to them.
Eat boiled sawdust mixed with meal in lieu of bread, etc.
Marry a terrible shrew after your first wife dies who insists on turning the children out in the forest to die.
Give them your last piece of bread.
By NO MEANS should you FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF BREADCRUMBS into the forest.

2) The Mr. Woodhouse Diet (for Jane Austen fans)
Popular variant: The Oliver Twist Diet

Eat gruel and only gruel. Freak out if anyone suggests you try a piece of cake, or if anyone offers you MORE. Let the splendors of the English language feed you.

3) The dying bohemian diet
Live in an unheated attic.
Fall madly in love with a poet/seamstress/musician/philosopher who torments you.
Drink as much alcohol as you can hold, but forget to eat.
Get TB. Remember, coughing is great for the abs!

4) The Gross Little Kid's All-Protein diet
Three words to live by:
Boogers and paste.